Marvel Announces “Secret Gauntlet” Game

Upon the news of DC and Marvel announcing new video games, Marvel Core, the extremist branch of Marvel Comics that was left after the ghost of Kirby attacked, announced their own game title Secret Gauntlet.
Said project head Brian Clevinger, creator of Atomic Robo as well the writer for an all ages retelling of The Infinity Gauntlet. “After we got stranded in the Marvel Building by the circling ghost pirate ship, we just started talking about making comics we’d love to see as games. I didn’t really dig the whole Civil War angle that they keep pushing and I think the new event comics lack that big feeling so Jeff (Parker), Matt (Fraction), Greg (Pak), Fred (Van Lente) and a few others talked it out and were like – Secret Wars meets Infinity Gauntlet!”
Secret Wars and The Infinity Gauntlet were two famous series from the 80’s prized for their storytelling ability and generally high sales. While the Secret Wars focuses on a team of heroes and a team of villains fighting in space for the Beyonder, a godlike hero’s promise of power, the Infinity Gauntlet is the opposite. In the Infinity Gauntlet after half of the life in the Universe is wiped out by Thanos using the Infinity Gauntlet a team of superheroes is forced to ban together to defeat the threat to restore the universe.
“Explosions are fantastic! And if we can give a big enough threat for heroes and villains to work together – namely Thanos and the Beyonder as these galactic threats – we can get tons of explosions,” commented Greg Pak, writer of series such as The Incredible Hulk, Alpha Flight and Hercules.
The proposed game would feature the Beyonder summoning the greatest warriors in the universe to fight while accidentally bringing together all of the Infinity Gems – cosmically powered jewels that allow the users to reach omnipotence. Teams of 6 composed of some expected 60 playable characters (with more added via DLC) will then be able to fight for the gems and to achieve that power to either corrupt the world or save.
“Of course, once you get the Gauntlet and the Gems – you team breaks down and it turns into a fighting game,” explained Jeff Parker, writer of Atlas, Hulk and Thunderbolts. “There we want the game to not just be about physical fighting but we want this intellectual level. These are people who want to save the world – but they all have different ideas. If Cap, Iron Man and Flatman had to figure out how to fix the world, could they come up with a use for that Infinite Power?”
“Unfortunately we don’t really have the support or power to do much though, but we’ll figure something out,” commented Matt Fraction, creator of last summer’s event comic Fear Itself. “We do have these drawings that we made on napkins though,” said Fraction as he held up one of Thanos and Spider-man and added “Thwp thwp! Eat a dick Thanos!”

Truth Posters: Let’s Be Friends Again 400????

Let’s Be Friends Again Recently Celebrated Their 400th Comic! Fact! Let’s Be Friends Again Has 20 Guest Comics In The Archives! Fact! Did They Really Make 400 Comics? Query! OWWW! Interjection!

Can these Let’s Be Frauds Again be trusted to deliver comics satirizing comics if they can’t even be trusted to reach 400 comics that they actually made? Here at Nerdcenaries we hold ourselves to a higher standard with our fake news about comics and satirical pieces. Well, we expect Let’s Be Friends Again to actually reach that milestone and then replace this comic or else they are phonies.

We’d like to say “Congratulations Let’s Be Friends Again for you quality comics that have brought us joy, amusement and Superman masturbating”.

Thwipster Continues Holding Money Hostage

For the past 8 months the radical Nerdy group Thwipster has been holding thousands of dollars hostage. The website, an offshoot of the group Motherlandm another radical Nerdy group has been offering dangerous deals on products such as “Fables”, “Walking Dead” and other such things that are likely drugs based on their addictive nature.
The recent act of making long term sales offers is the newest plan offering something that can be invested in that won’t disappear in a day. When coupled with other schemes, Thwipster is a truly dangerous force.
“I want to just come home, get online and not worry that my money will disappear,” said Thwipster target Nathan McKinnson. “I was just surfing the net and then I found out that I’d ordered the entire set of Transmetropolitan for over 50% off. I had 500 dollars I was going to put in the bank, now Thwipster has it, I keep watching to see if they’ll put up something I need. It’s just…horrible.”
McKinnson’s stories echo those of other people, surprised by the outrageous deals on merchandise that Thwipster offers.
It is currently unknown what demands the organization has but he can be assured they won’t be stopping soon.

Johnny Knoxville To Resurrect TEAM AMERICA for Marvel

Team America, Marvel’s cash-in on the fame of motorcycle stuntman Evel Knievel, is set to be rebooted by Johnny Knoxville, the actor who gained famed performing “stunts” for the Jackass TV series on MTV. Where the 70’s Team was a traveling group of motorcycle performers who fought crime, this new iteration will see a team of skateboarders who perform across the country and fight crime.

“I really wanted to capture that sense of wonder from the original series. Like, “I wonder why stuntman are fighting terrorists” and “I wonder why this dude in black is following them the around everywhere.” And seriously, R U Reddy? The fuck?” Knoxville announced while setting up a stunt for Jackass 4.6. “The guys will be pursued by the dark suited Black Shredder, who may or may not just be Ryan Dunn in costume, God bless him.”

Marvel is also going forward with revamps of US 1 written by Larry the Cable Guy and Killraven by the Church of Scientology. “I love money,” remarked Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada.

J Jonah Jameson Solo Series Preorders Tops 1 Million

In a slumping market of comics the news of 1 million orders (numbers not seen since the 90’s Comics Boom) is a great sign indeed. A new series about J Jonah Jameson written by suspected J Jonah Jameson Twitter writer Kevin Church and illustrated by Eric Canete has taken the media by storm with only a social media marketing campaign.
The series will be released in early June and the hype is palpable with the large number of views and the twitter trending topic #JJJSeries.

Green Lantern To Introduce 10 New Lantern Colors

In a press release today, Geoff Johns announced that he will be unveiling 10 new Lantern Colors in a new miniarc called TechnoChrome.

“You know that one Alan Moore ministory with the sound-y Green Lantern. Well the Green Lantern is basically going to just find all of these colors that we can’t see. And the new colors will be like ultraviolet or radon and they’ll be tied to emotion like hubris and incest. Also we want people to buy more rings and ring merch.”

The arc which will have a preview in next month’s Diamond Catalogue will run through the next two years only to be cancelled and concluded with a one shot after the next DC revamp.

Ron Perlman to Star In Creature Make-Up Free Film

Ron Perlman
Ron Perlman as seen without his face

HELLBOY star and SONS OF ANARCHY leading man is returning to the big screen, but this time, he won’t be playing some sort of monster. He’ll be playing a librarian. British kitchen sink drama helmer Mike Leigh’s new film, LOANER, follows a quiet, mild mannered clerk at a library in Ireland. The story is about him coming to grips with people abandoning the dewey decimal system.

Perlman, infamous for donning the complicated, cumbersome prosthetics that turn him into a striking creature since television’s BEAUTY AND THE BEAST series, has been genuinely confused on set.

Leigh has a particularly odd creative process. He will rehearse with his cast and improvise for months before locking down a shooting script and actually start filming, something that puts off less than dedicated actors. That, however, is not Perlman’s issue, who has been seen walking off set, endlessly searching for Rick Baker or someone from KNB FX. He literally doesn’t understand what to do without having his face molded for masks.

“On SONS OF ANARCHY, at least I get to wear a lot of cool leather jackets. I’m out of my element,” Perlman said.

Rumors persist that Leigh had originally wanted singer Tom Waits and that his casting director has since been replaced. He could not be reached for comment.

Amalgam Announces Free Comic De Mayo

Amalgam Comics, the long unused comic collaboration title between Marvel and DC Comics announced today that they would be releasing a free comic this year on the 5th of May during Free Comic De Mayo.
The title will focus on Iron Lantern fighting the Mind Controller, Dark Force, Anger Wings and other characters from the oft forgotten collaboration. Geoff Fraction and Francis Walker will create the comic.

Chris Sims, Laura Hudson To Have Film Watching Contest For Editor-In-Chief Position

Chris Sims, senior writer for Comics Alliance and Senior Batmanologist on the Twitter finally announced the tipping point of his peace with Editor-in-Chief of the AOL/Huffington Post Owned Comics Alliance. 
In a public Twitter statement, Sims announced "I just got asked to review Swamp Thing by @laurahudson. We are doing this now - Bad Movie off. Winner is new EIC."
He then followed this up by saying "Hold that till later - I need to watch some Jem."
Editor In Chief Laura Hudson then responded "Oh boy @theisb, I'll BRING it like you bring it to smacking Tarot."
Senior editor Caleb Gollner then commented "I'll moderate this then but first pictures of pugs."
Later Sims announced "We'll be live streaming the two of us watching horrible movies decided by you - the viewer," and then proceeded to talk about the woman who comments about his hair at the gym.

Currently the rules of the contest stand - 
Caleb Gollner will judge the contest on:
Resistance (to self inflicted pain) out of 10 points
Humor (must live tweet) out of 10 points
Pugs (pugs pugs pugs) out of pugs.
The movies will be
  • Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD
  • Swamp Thing 2
  • Howard The Duck
There will be a nine hour period to watch the films in and to live tweet and then write a small review.