Texas Man To Launch Hulk Comics Collection Into Space

Lubbock, Texas resident Dan Water made official plans with the state government to launch his Hulk comics collection into space. Water, who had been collecting the comic since the early 1970’s, had recently fallen on hard times. When asked for a comment he said “Folks, I don(sic) know what is happenin (sic) in this country anymore. One minute Hulk’s a clown, the next he’s red, suddenly there’s a Deadpool Hulk and now he’s on a jetbike fighting crime? I don(sic) know what is a happening so I’m sending them into space”.

While Water is not the first comic fan to feel lost and concerned in the complex character continuity but he the first to resort to building a strong enough missile to propel the comics into space. Water, an amateur surgeon in Lubbock who also dabbles in the occult, physics and rocketry (he added the importance of all of these interests) has invested at least $5000 in preparing the rocket. “I used most broken car pieces, some high grade explosives and a few other things.”

Why Water hasn’t simply donated his Hulk comics or at least shredded them has confused his neighbors, authorities and his wife, because if he just dropped his collection at the local hospital or took the time to sell them, he’d save a lot of money. It really doesn’t make sense. The launch will take place Saturday the 29th, in time for the Feast of Jarakkis, Eater of Souls.

Booster Gold / Blue Beetle To Die In “Suicide Squad” Crossover

Fan favorite characters Booster Gold and Blue Beetle, the favorite heterosexual lifemate couple of the pre-52 universe, have been slated to die in an upcoming Suicide Squad and Blue Beetle crossover “Suicide Pact”. Booster Gold who was previous featured in Justice League International, now cancelled, will be forced onto the Suicide Squad by Amanda Waller for an unknown crime and the team will be sent after Blue Beetle.

Writer Adam Glass on twitter commented “I really want to try and make something that hasn’t been done before. I mean, Booster Gold and Blue Beetle used to be friends but that’s weird. I mean what kind of thirty year old is friends with a high schooler – so I started to think if they won’t be friends, they’ll be enemies. It is an either or thing.”

When Glass was asked about fan reaction he candidly replied “No matter what happens, some people are going to be angry. I’d rather try not to cater to fans who want me to tell the same stories and use characters the same way. It isn’t working for titles that are doing that – I mean Booster Gold had a fanbase but not enough of one to keep a title! That means that the fans need something else to pull them in and get them interested in the character and I believe having fan favorite characters as enemies might do that. Haters to the left.”

Haters to the left indeed.

Email Reveals Lost Batman Brave and the Bold Episodes

A recently leaked email revealed the plans for the second half of season 3 of the critic and fan acclaimed Batman Brave and the Bold which were not produced for unknown reasons! More news as it comes!

1 – No Sleep For The Sandman!
Teaser: After a battle with The Mist Batman teams up with Starman (Jack Knight) to sort his store before it is judged.
Main Plot: Sandman (Wesley Dodds) and Batman team up to stop his old partner Sandy, who seeks to put all of the world to sleep.

2 – Plight of the Stars!
Teaser: Batman and Claw the Unconquered fight a giant dinosaur made out of ice created by Killer Frost
Main Plot: Batman teams up with Vixen who is dealing with the loss of B’wana Beast as they fight the evil Starman.

3 – Theft of the Jungle Gems!
Teaser: Batman and Aquaman find themselves forced to fight each other by the Robot Lords of Clocktown controlled by the Brain.
Main Plot: Batman and Starman try to hunt down the monsters being summoned by Felix Faust in the jungle who also captured his father.

4 – Greed of the Orange Lantern!
Teaser: A mysterious orange meteor crashes to Earth, when Batman is called he finds Lar’fleeze
Main Plot: Batman has to watch after Lar’fleeze who wants all of the glory for himself so Batman eventually tricks him into going to other planets to get his own glory.

5 – The Stretched Caper!
Teaser: Batman and Batlash find themselves in a heap of trouble when Quentin Turnbull sets a stampede against them.
Main Plot: Batman is stuck to Plastic Man when they are his with a heat attack by Volcana and must learn to work as one until the dissolving solution Batman made will be ready.

6 – When The Doctor Rings!
Teaser: A mysterious flower painted bus crashes into the Louvre museum and a team of figures in black (The Brotherhood of Dada) steal a painting.
Main Plot: Batman and Doctor Mid-Night have to help the rest of the Justice Society of America when Kobra poisons them. Batman would prefer to be punching villains.

7 – Bats of the Swamp!
Teaser: When Clark Kent/Superman tries to find out what is causing such a big crowd outside of the Daily Planet, the revealing of a painting causes all of Metropolis to vanish.
Main Plot: Batman must team up with Swamp Thing to stop the Floronic Man and Poison Ivy from mutating all of the plants in the world.

8 – Enlisted and Encoded!
Teaser: Batman and Superman must team up in space to fight Solaris, the Anti-Sun who Batman defeats when he finds out it is a computer.
Main Plot: Batman is enlisted for help by GI Robot when they find Gorilla Grodd creating an army of robo-gorillas.

9 – Doom and the Dada!
Teaser: The new Doom Patrol including Flex Mentallo are called to disocver what happened to Metropolis.
Main Plot: Batman and the Doom Patrol meet up to stop the Brotherhood of Dada and their painting that is eating cities.

10 – The Infinite Typewriter!
Teaser: Batman and Flex Mentallo team up to train only for Aquaman to keep interrupting them.
Main Plot: Batman finds himself in an alternate world where there are no superheroes and he must team up with Grant Morrison to get back home via magic.

11 – Enlisted By Sinestro!
Teaser: A mysterious black ring lands on Earth next to B’wana Beast’s grave.
Main Plot: Batman is brought forward by the Yellow Lanterns where he must testify against being an agent of fear so he won’t be brought into the team, with help from Aquaman.

12 – The Black Lanterns Strike!
Teaser: The Black Lanterns begin to march on Gotham City!
Main Plot: Batman, Starman, the Doom Patrol and Aquaman are all that stands between Gotham City and destruction since there is a giant wall of zombie energy.

13 – Rainbow Action Scene!
Teaser: Batman rides a speedboat over King Shark’s head and then does a kickflip.
Main Plot: Batman and his allies all get Lantern Corp Rings and use them to defeat the Black Lanterns in a few seconds. This then crosses over with Green Lantern The Animated Series.

Marvel Announces “Wedding Of The Month!”!!!!!!!!!

In response to DC’s recent announcement that Wonder Woman and Superman would be engaging in a “relationship” apparently “made to last for at least 15 issues, or until we get enough hate mail that we think we need to retcon it and pretend there was a plan for that the whole time”, Marvel has come forward with its own announcement. Two of their biggest superheroes will get together in what Steve Wacker, when not defending his company from scurrilous remarks written online in comics’ blogs, called the “wedding of the month. Hell, maybe even the two-month. What’s that called, again? A fort-night? That, then.” Insiders at Marvel have given a short-list of superheroes that might tie the knot, or at the very least, share a few kissing panels before their relationship goes the way of H.A.T.E.

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Marvel Leak Reveals New Heroin In Marvel NOW!

Last night a Marvel Comics leak revealed that the newest Marvel relaunch Marvel NOW will feature a new heroin within it’s pages. The heroin, called Lady Firefist is the first part of a new Marvel plan to bring in and hook new readers. The creators of Lady Firefist, Matt Fraction (Fear Itself, Iron Man) and Jeff Parker (Thunderbolts) babbled incoherently about the character in a video where they brainstormed and tested the new heroin.

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Warner Brothers Just Cancels All Movies Ever

Warner Brothers and their subsidiary DC, in a growing struggle to make money, announced today that they would just stop making movies entirely. In the press announcement Greg Chalck announced

First we stopped making VHS because it was outmoded and that made me sad – I loved the DVD. And then we decided that we didn’t want to make straight to DVD films because they don’t sell. Though we made some really shit films and prequels – we did a prequel to Ace Ventura.  And then after Green Lantern flopped so huge nobody expects us to be able to make a decent superhero film.

When asked a followup about the Dark Knight Rises and it’s success in the theaters Chalck responded

It ain’t the Avengers. That is what? – the third highest grossing film of all time. We can’t really compete with that. We do maybe 30 films a year for just movie theaters and some of the schlock we come up with is incredibly depressing – I mean I looked at what we had coming down the line – we were gonna do more Yogi Bear films. More Cats and Dogs. My kids don’t even go and I’ve got free tickets. We lost Harry Potter, we can’t stretch out the Hobbit anymore – I just don’t know what to do besides shopping.

Chalck announced plans that DC will auction off the rights and finished licenses to other movies for the time being before he started to drink heavily.

Channing Tatum To Bring G.I. JOE To The Stage

Having scored three hits with The Vow, 21 Jump Street, and Magic Mike, Channing Tatum is riding an unforeseeable wave of success. His recent box office draw is the reason G.I Joe: Retaliation was pushed back a year so new scenes of Tatum could be added to the film. Tatum took the initiative to renegotiate for an extra stipulation to be added to his contract. The 32 year old has been given the opportunity to write and choreograph G.I. Joe: A Sexy American Hero, the first Broadway male exotic dancer revue based on a cartoon series based on a toy line.

Loosely based on the “Arise, Serpentor, Arise!” five-part episode of the 80’s G.I. Joe cartoon series, the most high profile male dancers will perform as either Joes or members of Cobra. Their dance routines will evoke the conflicts to prevent Cobra from acquiring the DNA necessary to create a superior warlord, Serpentor, who will be played by Tatum. He will also be playing the historical figures used to create Serpentor in the prologue of the revue.

Incidentally, Tatum had the idea for a G.I. Joe themed dance routine long before he was cast in G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. “I’ve been working on this since before I started modeling. When the music [of the cartoon] would start up, and the red and blue lasers would start flying across the screen, I immediately thought, “I can twerk to this.””

Club favorite DJ Girl Talk is in talks to create the music for revue. “I wanted someone who could blend the rousing patriotism of the series with the hip shaking, heart thumping of the club. Girl Talk was the first to come to mind, but we may go with Idris Elba, since he’ll be playing Roadblock in the revue.”

A tentative date of June 12, 2013 has been set for opening night. Ten gallons of baby oil have been pre-ordered.

Dan Didio Assigns All Characters Random Kinsey Scores

Justice League members with their assigned Kinsey scores from Dan Didio

In a shocking press release this morning, Dan Didio, co-publisher of DC Comics announced that all DC Superheroes were “slightly gay.”
“I was catching up on Mad Men last night and it suddenly occurred to me that I thought that I had no idea what happened to (Paul) Kinsey. So I look Kinsey up on the internet and the Internet has this Kinsey scale of gayness and it is like Hot danggity dang, I can just make every character sort of gay. And it comes with a numbering system so we can just add it to power charts that the fans like.”
The Kinsey Scale is a 8 number ranging scale from 0 to 6 with X as a non-sexual rating where lower numbers mean more heterosexuality and higher numbers mean more homosexuality meaning a 0 is purely heterosexual and 6 is purely homosexual with the numbers changing through life.
“I love breaking everything into groups and the Kinsey scale let me do that,” explained Didio. “Jim and I ended up rolling bones for each character to assign them sex numbers and now we can get some news for it. Did you know that Batman and Green Arrow are 6’s? They are probably just spooning on the satellite. And Superman is a 5 so he gets in on that too! Shade the Changing Man ended up being a 0 – who knew! And because we are doing this, it is all canon!”
Didio then displayed the famous nu-52 Justice League image with the new Kinsey chart rankings. “We are currently updating a bunch of Wikias that you guys love to run so you can check there.
While the current reaction has been stunned silence, One Million Mom has already planned to continue not buying comics .
“On a sad note, all of the Robins and Flashes are pure Xs. No sex for them!,” concluded Didio.