After all of the attention gained from recent social media meltdowns with creators Dan Slott and Rick Remender that resulted in more attention coming to the books, Marvel Comics announced today that they’d just be hiring internet trolls to write series in a press release sent out this morning.
Channing Tatum To Bring G.I. JOE To The Stage
Having scored three hits with The Vow, 21 Jump Street, and Magic Mike, Channing Tatum is riding an unforeseeable wave of success. His recent box office draw is the reason G.I Joe: Retaliation was pushed back a year so new scenes of Tatum could be added to the film. Tatum took the initiative to renegotiate for an extra stipulation to be added to his contract. The 32 year old has been given the opportunity to write and choreograph G.I. Joe: A Sexy American Hero, the first Broadway male exotic dancer revue based on a cartoon series based on a toy line.
Loosely based on the “Arise, Serpentor, Arise!” five-part episode of the 80’s G.I. Joe cartoon series, the most high profile male dancers will perform as either Joes or members of Cobra. Their dance routines will evoke the conflicts to prevent Cobra from acquiring the DNA necessary to create a superior warlord, Serpentor, who will be played by Tatum. He will also be playing the historical figures used to create Serpentor in the prologue of the revue.
Incidentally, Tatum had the idea for a G.I. Joe themed dance routine long before he was cast in G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. “I’ve been working on this since before I started modeling. When the music [of the cartoon] would start up, and the red and blue lasers would start flying across the screen, I immediately thought, “I can twerk to this.””
Club favorite DJ Girl Talk is in talks to create the music for revue. “I wanted someone who could blend the rousing patriotism of the series with the hip shaking, heart thumping of the club. Girl Talk was the first to come to mind, but we may go with Idris Elba, since he’ll be playing Roadblock in the revue.”
A tentative date of June 12, 2013 has been set for opening night. Ten gallons of baby oil have been pre-ordered.
Marvel To Debut New Superteam – The Bureaucracy Avengers
Set for a July release is the new series from Brian Michael Bendis and Michael Lark, The Bureaucracy Avengers, a team of Avengers dedicated to solving the myriad legal, financial and assorted documentation troubles of superheroes, their relatives and friends. Headed by psychiatrist Doc Samson, the team includes attorney She-Hulk, accountant Iceman, computer expert Cypher, social worker the Falcon, and mystical consultant Jennifer Kale.
“We are committed to realism at Marvel Comics and to that end we are going to showcase the people who handle the minutiae of superhero life,” explained Marvel editor-in-chief Axel Alonso. “Everyone knows that sometimes characters die, but what happens when that character comes back to life? Who backdates those W-2s? Who wipes out those obits from news servers? You’re about to meet the people who dot the i’s and cross the t’s.”
The team members are headquartered on the sixteenth floor of the reconstructed Avengers Tower, where in a hi tech facility they analyze the problems of their “clients,” superheroes in need of some professional advice. “This isn’t just a talking heads book,” says Bendis. “We’ll have them filling out forms, working at computer terminals, and researching law journals. It’s really in depth, real steeped in the real world.
“I want everyone to be clear that this is exactly the kind of book I’ve been building to. Gritty and tense. The battles are over. Now it’s time to go to work. Paperwork.”
“To be able to work with these larger than life characters and show how they would interact with the mundane aspects of life, it’s something of a treat for me.” Lark, whose work credits include Terminal City, Daredevil, Captain America, and Gotham Central, has worked with Bendis in the past and knows what the New Avengers scribe is looking for in an artist. “I sent Brian the first page, and said it was “like reading a work manual.” I knew he was happy.”
Alonso is very confidant the series will take off. “David Mamet is in talks to create series for HBO.”
Johnny Knoxville To Resurrect TEAM AMERICA for Marvel
Team America, Marvel’s cash-in on the fame of motorcycle stuntman Evel Knievel, is set to be rebooted by Johnny Knoxville, the actor who gained famed performing “stunts” for the Jackass TV series on MTV. Where the 70’s Team was a traveling group of motorcycle performers who fought crime, this new iteration will see a team of skateboarders who perform across the country and fight crime.
“I really wanted to capture that sense of wonder from the original series. Like, “I wonder why stuntman are fighting terrorists” and “I wonder why this dude in black is following them the around everywhere.” And seriously, R U Reddy? The fuck?” Knoxville announced while setting up a stunt for Jackass 4.6. “The guys will be pursued by the dark suited Black Shredder, who may or may not just be Ryan Dunn in costume, God bless him.”
Marvel is also going forward with revamps of US 1 written by Larry the Cable Guy and Killraven by the Church of Scientology. “I love money,” remarked Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada.
J Jonah Jameson Solo Series Preorders Tops 1 Million
In a slumping market of comics the news of 1 million orders (numbers not seen since the 90’s Comics Boom) is a great sign indeed. A new series about J Jonah Jameson written by suspected J Jonah Jameson Twitter writer Kevin Church and illustrated by Eric Canete has taken the media by storm with only a social media marketing campaign.
The series will be released in early June and the hype is palpable with the large number of views and the twitter trending topic #JJJSeries.
Green Lantern To Introduce 10 New Lantern Colors
In a press release today, Geoff Johns announced that he will be unveiling 10 new Lantern Colors in a new miniarc called TechnoChrome.
“You know that one Alan Moore ministory with the sound-y Green Lantern. Well the Green Lantern is basically going to just find all of these colors that we can’t see. And the new colors will be like ultraviolet or radon and they’ll be tied to emotion like hubris and incest. Also we want people to buy more rings and ring merch.”
The arc which will have a preview in next month’s Diamond Catalogue will run through the next two years only to be cancelled and concluded with a one shot after the next DC revamp.
Ron Perlman to Star In Creature Make-Up Free Film
HELLBOY star and SONS OF ANARCHY leading man is returning to the big screen, but this time, he won’t be playing some sort of monster. He’ll be playing a librarian. British kitchen sink drama helmer Mike Leigh’s new film, LOANER, follows a quiet, mild mannered clerk at a library in Ireland. The story is about him coming to grips with people abandoning the dewey decimal system.
Perlman, infamous for donning the complicated, cumbersome prosthetics that turn him into a striking creature since television’s BEAUTY AND THE BEAST series, has been genuinely confused on set.
Leigh has a particularly odd creative process. He will rehearse with his cast and improvise for months before locking down a shooting script and actually start filming, something that puts off less than dedicated actors. That, however, is not Perlman’s issue, who has been seen walking off set, endlessly searching for Rick Baker or someone from KNB FX. He literally doesn’t understand what to do without having his face molded for masks.
“On SONS OF ANARCHY, at least I get to wear a lot of cool leather jackets. I’m out of my element,” Perlman said.
Rumors persist that Leigh had originally wanted singer Tom Waits and that his casting director has since been replaced. He could not be reached for comment.
Amalgam Announces Free Comic De Mayo
Amalgam Comics, the long unused comic collaboration title between Marvel and DC Comics announced today that they would be releasing a free comic this year on the 5th of May during Free Comic De Mayo.
The title will focus on Iron Lantern fighting the Mind Controller, Dark Force, Anger Wings and other characters from the oft forgotten collaboration. Geoff Fraction and Francis Walker will create the comic.
Chris Sims, Laura Hudson To Have Film Watching Contest For Editor-In-Chief Position
Chris Sims, senior writer for Comics Alliance and Senior Batmanologist on the Twitter finally announced the tipping point of his peace with Editor-in-Chief of the AOL/Huffington Post Owned Comics Alliance. In a public Twitter statement, Sims announced "I just got asked to review Swamp Thing by @laurahudson. We are doing this now - Bad Movie off. Winner is new EIC." He then followed this up by saying "Hold that till later - I need to watch some Jem." Editor In Chief Laura Hudson then responded "Oh boy @theisb, I'll BRING it like you bring it to smacking Tarot." Senior editor Caleb Gollner then commented "I'll moderate this then but first pictures of pugs." Later Sims announced "We'll be live streaming the two of us watching horrible movies decided by you - the viewer," and then proceeded to talk about the woman who comments about his hair at the gym. Currently the rules of the contest stand - Caleb Gollner will judge the contest on: Resistance (to self inflicted pain) out of 10 points Humor (must live tweet) out of 10 points Pugs (pugs pugs pugs) out of pugs.
The movies will be
- Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD
- Swamp Thing 2
- Howard The Duck
Oni Press Unofficially Announces Scott Pilgrim Sequel
Via the Twitter feeds reports leaked about a new Scott Pilgrim sequel (or possibly prequel) that will be released in the future.
According to rumors though, series creator Bryan Lee O’Malley is not attached. Various writer and artist including Matt Fraction, Rob Liefeld, Declan Shavely, John Byrne and other have apparently made mention of their interest in the project.
O’Malley who has been mum about the topic so far had nothing to say.