Internet Trolls To Write New Marvel Series

After all of the attention gained from recent social media meltdowns with creators Dan Slott and Rick Remender that resulted in more attention coming to the books, Marvel Comics announced today that they’d just be hiring internet trolls to write series in a press release sent out this morning.

“Half of this game is getting the world out there to pay attention, you know, and that other half is like getting the world out there to come into stores. If we have these writers who are bringing in controversy for attention that in turn brings people into the store, we sure as hell aren’t looking the gift horse in the mouth,” said Marvel Comics head Axel Alonso. The two newly announced titles include Spider-man Loves Horse Cock and Black Panther Should Go Back To Africa.

“We wanted some visceral titles that will bring people in from the start, we’ve all seen what happens when you have a poorly titled book like Agents of Atlas. It just does not sell. You can’t be more clear than Spider-man Loves Horse Cock! If we end up getting the fans mad and they don’t buy books, we can apologize. But if they do buy the books we are expecting some massively high – 90’s level numbers.”

The press release included the following brief summaries.

Spider-man Loves Horse Cock

ThatYellowLanternBastard and Declan Shalvey bring you on a fascinating journey dealing with Spider-man’s addition to horse penises. “Spider-man has always sucked dicks so why not show it?” says ThatYellowLanternBastard of the comics blog Marvel Sucks Cock. “I want to show the destruction that his addiction has brought – the real reason he couldn’t save Gwen Stefani from Green Gobberman – he was guzzling horse cocks! Those kinds of revelations are going to redefine what we know as the Marfail Universe. Also, I am incredibly excited to work with Declan Shalvey. His art for Northlanders has been fantastic and I can’t wait to see how he draws Spider-man going down on horse wang.”

Black Panther Should Go Back To Africa

Black Panther realizes he is just not as good as white people and takes all of the black superheroes with him. This isn’t an alternate universe, this won’t be retconned! SouthernColonelFlagg from the blog Politricks, Jewtalk and Showcase Collections describes his book as “I just really hate black people and they should go back to Africa. The end.” The comic will be illustrated by Neil Gemworth.

No official release times have been declared for the two series.

Edit: And a second later press has already cancelled both titles.

Luke Herr

Luke is a writer and an aspiring professional comic writer who is also the editor in chief of Nerdcenaries. He currently is working on a graphic novel called Prison Spaceship.