Roommate Of Doctor Who Fan Realizes He Knows Too Much About The Series

Local college student Dylan Thomas realized in English today that he knows way too much about the British television series Doctor Who despite not being a fan.
“I was just sitting in English and the teacher commented that opening up a history books is like trip in the TARNIS with the Doctor. I corrected him that it was the TARDIS and then I died a little on the inside.” Thomas, a self confessed nerd who doesn’t actually care for the show ended up only making the situation worse.
“As soon as that class got out a few other people asked what my favorite episode of the series was and if I liked the originalseries more and who my favorite Doctor was. I just lied and said ‘Captain Archer,’ and then ran off.”
Thomas confessed that his knowledge mostly comes from his roommate John who “sits around all day watching the series and complaining about it with his friends.”
“I come home after night class and there he is watching some episode with horrible costumes since the start of the class. I once commented an episode looked interesting and then next thing I knew I’d fallen asleep 4 hours in and I was late for class. It’s not healthy.”
Thomas’ grades have been steadily dropping the quarter. “I just can’t focus on homework. That show – he just plays it incredibly loud. I don’t even know how he gets work done.”
Thomas has filed to move rooms and has even invited the RAs to examine the scenario but can’t find anything wrong.
“It’s like he has some perception filter so other people don’t get annoyed by him. I just don’t who what to do.”

Alan Moore To Star In New Swamp Thing Movie

While priorly secret production of a new Swamp Thing film was taking place, Alan Moore was discovered to star as the elusive Swamp Thing in the new pulp mockumentary film.
“Sure it looks like he is just a hairy dude in clothes but we can CG him after,” said the still anonymous director. “I mean we’ve got enough action scenes – he set himself fire and ran into the water, he fights some demons he summoned to worship him and he even piloted a boat while shooting a mounted gun. He is living with Swamp Thing swagger.”
Moore has seemingly been unaware of the film due to his current vacation in the Florida Everglades.
It is currently unknown what other actors will be staring in the adaptation of the film but due to the talk of Moore summoning demons he might actually play Swamp Thing and mystic enemy Anton Arcane.
More as it develops.

Cult-Favorite TV Show M.A.N.T.I.S. Returning As A Comic Book

M.A.N.T.I.S. Film Cover

Following in the footsteps of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Jericho, and other series taken away from loyal fans too soon, Sam Raimi’s nineties sleeper M.A.N.T.I.S. will also be seeing a second life as a comic series.

Picking up right where Fox’s cancellation axe landed, M.A.N.T.I.S. Season Two #1, written by former show writer Sam Hamm and drawn by Greg Land, will continue the following adventures of crippled, acronym loving superscientist Miles Hawkins who notoriously died in the final minutes of the show’s series finale.

“OUR Miles did, in fact, die at the end of the show, but as fans on the internet have argued for over a decade, an alternate Miles from 1994 STILL exists in 2026, living in a mysterious future altered by the previous Miles’ timeline changes. ”

Hamm tried to further explain the time travel logic that backs up this rather tenuous loophole in the minutiae that is M.A.N.T.I.S. mythology, but for fans of the underrated character, logic has never mattered much.

“I used to talk to JJ about it everyday on set,” former M.A.N.T.I.S. star Carl Lumbly said. The “JJ” in question is of course JJ Abrams, creator of the hit show ALIAS Lumbly used to perform on. It’s widely believed that M.A.N.T.I.S. was highly influential on JJ’s work.

A lot of the ground that Hamm and co. had planned to cover in the series over time has long since been accomplished by shows like LOST and FRINGE, both Abrams creations. Has the time for M.A.N.T.I.S. passed us by?

“Oh, almost certainly,” Hamm added. “But irrelevance has never stopped us before.”

Vertigo Comics Announces New Fable’s Spinoff S.N.O.P.E.S.

Vertigo announced a new Fables spinoff entitled S.N.O.P.E.S. today on their website to be penned by Fables Cinderella and recent Legion of Superhero/Star Trek writer Chris Roberson.
Roberson commented “We’ve seen this growing influence of the people and beliefs influencing and creating new worlds in Fables but where are these new stories – the ones that we get in emails from our relatives that go into the spam folder? A new world has showed up with a new America run through fear where almost every toy and food is made with killer lead, the government actually has death panels and the president really is a terrorist. These new Fables are planning to invade the real world to create the New America so it will be up to a group called S.N.O.P.E.S. to stop them.
In what seems to be a reactionary tale against the growing fears of the nation S.N.O.P.E.S. will talk an more action-y side of things – “explosions, motorcycle chases and all sorts of awesome stuff.”
Bill Willingham who is well known as a staunch conservative was not consulted over creation of the new series.

UNCANNY X-MEN Writer Kieron Gillen Gives Up

Kieron Gillen

He’s tackled video games, Asgard, and Britpop, but now, after a year writing Marvel’s merry mutants, Kieron Gillen is giving up.

“I just can’t take it anymore.” Gillen said. “Every single panel is a struggle. It’s like trying to cover every song from SMILE armed only with a vocoder and a very large bottle of absinthe, which is to say, a lot of fun to imagine until it’s how you pay your rent.”

Gillen, like many comic creators, grew up fantasizing about writing the X-Men. He had been co-writing the book with Matt Fraction before taking over the title full-time, a challenge he rose to gladly. The X-Men REGENESIS event, and the subsequent relaunch of the flagship UNCANNY title, are what sent him over the edge.

“New readers. Old readers. There’s no way to please everyone with this book. Do I explain what Nimrod is to the newbies, or delve deeper into Namor and Scott’s latent, homoerotic tension? There is no right answer.”

To clarify, Gillen isn’t leaving the title. He is just giving up trying to make it work. When asked what to expect from upcoming issues, Kieron had this to say:

“Phoenix comes back next month. I don’t know how or why, but she just does. I guess Bendis and the guys have some event for it next year, but she shows up in the new issue for us and she fights Thanos, who is trying to get Rogue to go out on a date with him. I can’t be arsed with consistency anymore.”

“It was a lot easier writing about cynical hipsters obsessed with Kenickie. You try explaining to your friends that you can’t come out for tea because you’re too busy researching The Brood.”

On the other side of the aisle, Jason Aaron continues to drink Wild Turkey straight while browsing reddit and churns out scripts for WOLVERINE AND THE X-MEN with astonishing ease.

New Weirdies Found In Kirby Manor

As the ghost of Kirby continues to cause troubles at Marvel Comics, a new find by police in his California home revealed a collection of dead new weirdies trapped within the walls of the estate while police raided for any way to send the spirit of Kirby to rest.
Once thought to be simple creatures of Kirby’s imagination, the weirdies appearances have instead been thought to inspire Kirby to create the comics as the creatures from outer space spoke to him in an eldritch tongue that only Kirby, himself part space god, could understand.
It is still unknown if these new weirdies were an inspiration to a specific comic but according to the police report these “nightmare beasts that won’t grant me sleep any time soon” look somewhat like horses.
More on the story as it develops.

Morrison’s New Comic Promises To Confuse Readers, Deal With Sex, And A Bald Man

In a press release it was announced that the new Grant Morrison comic will confuse readers with mind bending ideas, the least of them being sex, and it would also have one bald character who may or may not represent Morrison in the role of a comic creator. The comic also promised to be drawn ahead of schedule though 4 issues in there would be a fill in artist and that issue would be considered the least popular of the series and that Morrison’s own interest would peter out by then.

New Schrodinger’s Webcomic In Constant State Of Update And Non-Update

Gaining an astonishing amount of fame in it’s short existence is Dracomb’s Orb, a fantasy webcomic dealing with a fairly generic fantasy setting while also dealing with the existential crisis of the characters inside with metaphyiscal threats, reader interaction and this palpable sense of dread the builds up in the series. The biggest problem though is that the comic relies solely on the fact that the comic may or may not update – not due to scheduling problems but with quantum mechanics. Dracomb’s Orb is first quantum literary piece – a webcomic in constant states of update and non-update that only leaves that state once the site is pulled up or is refreshed.
George Crosky, the engineer behind the comic explains, “The simple idea of Schroedinger’s Experiment is that if you limit the outcome to one event and seal it off where you can’t view the result, while the experiment is in progress it is in a quantum state of being both completed and non-completed. The cat is the most famous example where there is a radioactive material that will kill a cat in the box eventually. If you cannot sense what is going on in the box after 5 minutes the cat could be alive or dead and that is the quantum uncertainty. With Dracomb’s Orb we delved into some more advanced quantum mechanics but what we do is we have accessed random servers from other worlds every time the page loads. Until that page loads we cannot but sure if there is an update or not placing it in a quantum update state. Luckily with thousands of readers constantly refreshing, we’ve pulled in some 2000 updates in the past week.”
While there are some issues with the storyline not matching up or different art styles the popularity of a quickly and infinitely updating webcomic appeals to millions of comic fans who will do what they can to keep the comic updating.
*Due to the quantum state, we were unable to acquire any images of the comics.

Mark Millar Announces Long Deceased CITIZEN KANE Director Orson Welles Will Bring KICK ASS 2 To The Silver Screen

Orson Welles, Mark Millar
And people wonder why capital P pacifist Grant Morrison longs to run this man over with an automobile?

Late last night, Mark Millar answered a question via his Formspring account about the seemingly stagnant state of affairs for the follow-up to the film adaptation of his relatively well received creator owned series, KICK ASS. After months of sequel speculation and worries original director Matthew Vaughn would be too busy charting the ongoing “will they or won’t they” romantic saga of Charles Xavier and Erik Lensherr, there’s finally been a breakthrough.

Orson Welles, most notable for voicing Unicron in TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE, has allegedly signed on to helm the continuing adventures of Kick Ass, Hit Girl, and Hot Topic McLovin’. Welles has been dead for a quarter of a century, having passed away roughly five years before Mark Millar’s first published work. Nonetheless, the always outspoken Millar is still excited about the potential for their collaboration.

“Tupac’s been dead for years, innit?” said Millar in a recent Newsarama interview. “He still releases music every year. Orson made Citizen Kane, for god’s sake. Yer gonna tell me he can’t do this?”

Needless to say, it’ll be interesting to see what the man who made Charlton Heston a Mexican in TOUCH OF EVIL will do with an eleven year old girl who likes to stab people.