Yes, yes you jackanapes, the end of the world is still upon us despite what “the media” denies so I will help you to survive the end of the world. Though to be quite clear it is not the Mayan prophecy that is correct about the end of the world but it is in fact caused by some chemicals that I left buried underground that will cause the majority of man to mutate into horrifying flesh eaters. Ironically though, the Jotun’s ship of human nails from the Ragnarok prophecy will be launched but this will be due to a prank from Anazi, the Aryan Spidergod Trickster, who he hijacks the ship when he is drunk on schnapps.

┬áNow surviving my flesh eating mutant end of the world requires three thing – gnus, gin and goats.

1. Gnus – Also known as wildebeests, the gnu is a staunch defender and pack animal of the African plains. The average gnu is capable of moving large loads as well as providing meat, surviving radioactive landscapes and under the duress caused by nuclear fallout, can provide several gallons of milk ever day which is vital for surviving all of the nuclear plants going critical.

2. Gin – a fortified spirit made of juniper berries, gin is useful both as a liquor, a fuel and a scent cover, which will prevent the mutants from being able to reach your door. The juniper berries in gin prove incredibly important since it also means gin can be used to flavor food as a cheap substitute for the spices that will no longer be available.

3. Goats – an omnivorous animal that will make a good distraction for the mutants.

Now the mutants themselves will be hyper sensitive humans who have been driven mad, unable to dissociate anything and constantly being forced to feel every sense at the max. By sending harsh sense blasts towards the mutants, you will be able to delay them. Additionally using gravel roads, bright lights and bright sounds will drive them away. As an additional bonus, this will alert my robotic minions to your location wherein you will be able to serve my will until the end of the days.

Thank you and may only a small portion of you survive.

Luke Herr

Luke is a writer and an aspiring professional comic writer who is also the editor in chief of Nerdcenaries. He currently is working on a graphic novel called Prison Spaceship.