My Own Brand of Justice League – Apokolips Now – Ziah Grace

After Morrison’s ground-breaking run (and subsequent follow-up by Mark Waid) wherein he turned the Justice League of America into the “Big 7” of the DC universe, it’s been a bit hard in follow-up iterations for me to picture anyone else on the team. Still, just because there’s a “Big 7” that takes care of the huge stuff doesn’t mean there’s not a place for other heroes. What happens when something comes up that requires a quiet, stealthy reconnaissance? Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Superman, and Green Lantern aren’t exactly known for their sneakiness.

So, here’s my pitch. Batman starts hearing some rumblings that something might be going on over in Apokolips, specifically where Darkseid might be concerned. Batman thinks  he’s planning something, but he needs more info, so he assembles a stealth team to infiltrate Apokolips, find out what Darkseid’s planning, stop it if possible, report back if not. Unfortunately, Amanda Waller’s heard the same rumors, and thinks that Batman’s team will blow the mission if left unattended, so she forces her operatives (Bronze Tiger and Nightshade) onto the team to make sure it’s a success. Leading the team are:

Big Barda and Mr. Miracle

Big Barda and Mr. Miracle by Jordan Witt,

As Apokolips natives, they’ll function as guides and informants, filling in the team on what they need to know as they try to figure out what the team is planning. Mr. Miracle is the tech expert, and Barda plans the assaults (even when there aren’t any).

Dick Grayson (Batman)

Batman sends Dick in to be his eyes on the ground, and, since he knows just about everyone in the DCU, to smooth things over between the team members. He’s Batman because Dick Batman was great.

Bronze Tiger

A long-time member of the Suicide Squad, and the one of the few people in the DCU that’s a better fighter than Batman, Bronze Tiger was Waller’s first choice to find out what Darkseid is planning. He might be the best fighter on Earth, but what about Apokolips?

The Atom (Ryan Choi)

A scientist first, and a superhero second, he’s on the team because Batman needs as many thinkers on the team as he can get, especially if Barda’s calling the shots. As the Atom, Ryan Choi’s had some experience with crazy alien technology, but he’s going to find that Apokolips is a bit worse than cabbies that speak in anagrams and Cancer Gods. Still, he’ll get some help from Mr. Miracle, who respects his ingenuity and quick thinking.


The second of Waller’s agents, she serves as both the group’s transport with her teleportation, and keeping them hidden with her control over the shadows. She and Bronze Tiger have been to Apokolips before, but it’s changed, and they doesn’t have the rest of the Suicide Squad backing them up this time.


As one of the most adaptable superheroes in the DCU, Vixen’s a good choice to round out the team. Strong, quick, and trustworthy, Vixen thinks she’s ready for anything. Anything, that is, except old flame Bronze Tiger being on the mission, and an entirely new Red for her to connect to on Apokolips…

Robin (Carrie Kelly)

In some sort of mad science craziness, a bunch of Apokolips technology goes wild, pulling in Carrie Kelly from the Multiverse right as the Stealth Team arrives. Seizing onto the familiar figure of a Batman costume, she ends up being dragged along by the team as they try to complete the mission anyway. She’s got a lot of questions, and Dick might not have all the answers she wants to hear in this new universe.

Jimmy Olsen

Jimmy was looking for a story on Apokolips to fill out the Sunday morning edition when all of a sudden he saw half a dozen superheroes leap out of the shadows and start dashing off. Thinking he’s found a better story, he ends up following them, much to Bronze Tiger’s intense annoyance. Luckily for the team, Jimmy can hold his own; he brought some self-defense tools with him: some Elastic-Lad serum, his genie pal Korul, and his own mastery of the martial arts.

Throughout their infiltration, they’ll come up against Granny Goodness, the Female Furies, and even get a bit of help from the Green Lantern of Apokolips, Rakar Qarrigat.

Dan Didio Assigns All Characters Random Kinsey Scores

Justice League members with their assigned Kinsey scores from Dan Didio

In a shocking press release this morning, Dan Didio, co-publisher of DC Comics announced that all DC Superheroes were “slightly gay.”
“I was catching up on Mad Men last night and it suddenly occurred to me that I thought that I had no idea what happened to (Paul) Kinsey. So I look Kinsey up on the internet and the Internet has this Kinsey scale of gayness and it is like Hot danggity dang, I can just make every character sort of gay. And it comes with a numbering system so we can just add it to power charts that the fans like.”
The Kinsey Scale is a 8 number ranging scale from 0 to 6 with X as a non-sexual rating where lower numbers mean more heterosexuality and higher numbers mean more homosexuality meaning a 0 is purely heterosexual and 6 is purely homosexual with the numbers changing through life.
“I love breaking everything into groups and the Kinsey scale let me do that,” explained Didio. “Jim and I ended up rolling bones for each character to assign them sex numbers and now we can get some news for it. Did you know that Batman and Green Arrow are 6’s? They are probably just spooning on the satellite. And Superman is a 5 so he gets in on that too! Shade the Changing Man ended up being a 0 – who knew! And because we are doing this, it is all canon!”
Didio then displayed the famous nu-52 Justice League image with the new Kinsey chart rankings. “We are currently updating a bunch of Wikias that you guys love to run so you can check there.
While the current reaction has been stunned silence, One Million Mom has already planned to continue not buying comics .
“On a sad note, all of the Robins and Flashes are pure Xs. No sex for them!,” concluded Didio.