DC Announces Digital 5th World

In a shocking retaliatory action to the digital Marvel initiative, DC announced 5 new Geoff Johns penned digital series basred as an update of Jack Kirby’s 4th World characters. Said Johns,

Listen, I mean really listen. Jack Kirby had a fantastic legacy and characters that we wouldn’t want to lessen by using them in a less than perfect way. Luckily Grant killed the New Gods during the pre-boot so these at the New New Gods of the 5th World. You’ve already seen New Darkseid or as we now call him Uxas.We’ve got some other new twists on classic characters and we’ll be selling these all as digital firsts.

5th World Effervette Teaser

You kids all loved Big Barda and Mister Miracle so the New Barda is called Effervette. She’s got a club but she’s smaller – more sexy like we like.

5th World Loadholder Teaser

Orion was okay – but we want something grittier so the new Orion is Loadholder and he’s not the son of Darkseid like he was before. Now he’s the evil part of the Highfather – though now Highfather is Grandlord. And if he touches Darkseid it causes Darkseid to get super strong with the Anti-Life Equation.

5th World Visityr Teaser

Metron was this personification of knowledge so we have his new form, Visityr and he travels through space in a chair but now it has guns because if he doesn’t like a world – he destroys it from existence.

5th World The Infinity Squad Teaser

When I was growing up I loved the Forever People. Hippies that got together to summon a superman is super kooky. But hippies are passee so now the Infinity Squad are a bunch of social outcasts from the New Gods. They’re like goth punk rocky guys.

5th World Mao Stayded Teaser

Unlike Kirby, who got a lot of stuff right, he never did a series about Apokolipsians so I am doing one on Mao Stayded. He was inspired by Japanese culture so he has this giant glowing samurai sword and it can cut through anything and it also shoots out bullets. He’s going to be trying to kill the Justice League and superheroes and stuff.

The Ever-Suffering Pirate Ghost of Jack Kirby could not be reached for a comment.

Animals Protest DC’s Speciesist Hiring Policies

Birds Protest DC Relaunch
One of the several birds that flew into the DC Offices.

As we continue to avoid giving press coverage to any other comic company trouble continues to stalk and beat DC into submission. Recent news of speciesist hiring policies hit DC today when a bunch of birds flew in through an open window. The news was not even covered by anyone else but at Nerdcenaries, we hold a higher standard to making up news that is so important in our 24 hour news cycle.
According to our reporter who was there during the protest, the birds were there protesting the lack of nonhuman writers and even characters that have been absent in the recent DC reboot.
A bird I saw on the ground hopped around interpretively dancing its message before I tried to grab it. “Listen, we use to have Krypto and Comet and all of the other super animals. I mean there was a goddamn monkey – and those were just related to the superfamily. What about Ace the Bathound, Crosby he Fast Cat, Stumpy the Cyborg Turtle and all of the other characters? These policies are making it even harder for the animal kingdom to even want to purchase comics, let alone actually do it!” This news does nothing to help DC who is already under fire for presumed sexist characters and hiring policies, allegations which they have formerly denied.
When asked about the birds, the workers were exasperated and confused by the fact that there were birds in New York after the snow and that they were also tropical birds native to the Caribbean.
The source of these birds is currently unknown but if you find them, please return them to the Nerdcenaries offices. They eat sesame crackers and drink Pinot Grigio and are well loved.