DC Announces Digital 5th World

In a shocking retaliatory action to the digital Marvel initiative, DC announced 5 new Geoff Johns penned digital series basred as an update of Jack Kirby’s 4th World characters. Said Johns,

Listen, I mean really listen. Jack Kirby had a fantastic legacy and characters that we wouldn’t want to lessen by using them in a less than perfect way. Luckily Grant killed the New Gods during the pre-boot so these at the New New Gods of the 5th World. You’ve already seen New Darkseid or as we now call him Uxas.We’ve got some other new twists on classic characters and we’ll be selling these all as digital firsts.

5th World Effervette Teaser

You kids all loved Big Barda and Mister Miracle so the New Barda is called Effervette. She’s got a club but she’s smaller – more sexy like we like.

5th World Loadholder Teaser

Orion was okay – but we want something grittier so the new Orion is Loadholder and he’s not the son of Darkseid like he was before. Now he’s the evil part of the Highfather – though now Highfather is Grandlord. And if he touches Darkseid it causes Darkseid to get super strong with the Anti-Life Equation.

5th World Visityr Teaser

Metron was this personification of knowledge so we have his new form, Visityr and he travels through space in a chair but now it has guns because if he doesn’t like a world – he destroys it from existence.

5th World The Infinity Squad Teaser

When I was growing up I loved the Forever People. Hippies that got together to summon a superman is super kooky. But hippies are passee so now the Infinity Squad are a bunch of social outcasts from the New Gods. They’re like goth punk rocky guys.

5th World Mao Stayded Teaser

Unlike Kirby, who got a lot of stuff right, he never did a series about Apokolipsians so I am doing one on Mao Stayded. He was inspired by Japanese culture so he has this giant glowing samurai sword and it can cut through anything and it also shoots out bullets. He’s going to be trying to kill the Justice League and superheroes and stuff.

The Ever-Suffering Pirate Ghost of Jack Kirby could not be reached for a comment.

Congress To Vote On Secret Bill To Ban Continuity Discussions Online

Set for an early morning vote in the Senate is a bill proposed by Sen. John McCain (R) to ban discussions of comic book continuity in online forums and social media sites. The bill comes hot on the heels of DC Comics massive reboot of all it’s current titles just last September. Readers almost immediately flooded sites with questions and complaints about how the reboot affected DC’s established continuity. DC has yet to fully establish a continuity for the books, with some books following past storylines while others ignore them completely.
“DC Comics is a well-established American company and we can’t let these online agitators derail DC’s success,“ McCain remarked when he massive volume of continuity bickering caused a disruption of internet service in 14 states. If the bill should pass, anyone found discussing past storylines in any context but review will be banned from Internet use for a month for the first offense and greater penalties for repeat offenders. A person caught more than three times could be subject to a lifetime ban from commenting on the internet.