Reviewicide Squad: Suicide Squad Issue #12

This cover is interesting to me, simply because it took me a few looks to figure out that fleshy, goo-ish blob is actually a person unmasking. I don’t know why their creative team chose to portray the unmasking in the form of sculpted ground meat, but it’s their decision, so who am I to question them.

Their tagline is incorrect, because to believe or not, I’d really have to care first.

Suicide Squad issue #12 picks up where we left off: on one of the stupidest, most ignorantly offensive cliffhangers I’ve seen in a considerable while. It also starts off with a joke that is not actually a joke, which is what I’ve come to expect from Harley.

“You know what this means?”
“What, Harley?”
“The US Embassy was right…Mexico is a dangerous place for Americans!”

wh
Why would you waste dialogue saying that. And I’m pretty sure El Diablo is Mexican so that—that’s not even fully applicable. And it’s not funny!?? OR TOPICAL??! IS IT TRYING TO BE TOPICAL!?

Apparently the Mayans (…I cannot) are busy chanting, which gives the Squad time to relay painfully blatant “story so far” exposition and squabble pettily amongst themselves. Again. Also apparently Iceberg thought King Shark was a god this whole time. And Harley thought he was a genetic freak. And I don’t know but has anyone actually cared what King Shark actually is before? The conversation is almost immediately rendered moot when Basilisk crashes the party, led by…

Wow! I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Because he’s lame and inconsequential and nobody’s been thinking about him, so why would we even care that he’s a defector. We had zero emotional connection to him, and he’s had the most minute of story relevance so far so why?

And why does he look like he’s about to ravish Deadshot?
(My brother says that CB looks like some sort of gay Willy Wonka, and considering how Willy Wonka already looks I don’t really know what to think.)

Also I can’t believe I haven’t noticed this before, but doesn’t Deadshot look a helluva lot like Blake/Catman there? Like, this whole run, Floyd’s just managed to look less and less like himself.

Also apparently CB was just “in the neighborhood” when the Squad’s plane crashed so uh. Lucky…coincidences…? Come to think of it, since the plane bomber was a Hydra Basilisk agent, couldn’t Glass just have said that she had intentionally crashed them near a Basilisk base? It would be stupid, but it’s not like he’s setting high standards for himself anyway. Thinking further, how the fuck did the plane crash all the way in Mexico when it was blown up just barely off takeoff!? And why the fuck is the Basilisk base situated near a ne’er touched by time nor technology group of Mayans!??! Did they JUST NOT KNOW? (Was it convenient??)

These are all questions that don’t matter. I don’t know why I’m asking them.

Captain Boomerang amicably drives the Squad to his headquarters, except Deadshot. Whom he drags along behind his little four-wheeler on a chain. Putting aside the fact that since Boomerang is leading the caravan so it’s amazing Deadshot wasn’t run over by one of the following cars at any point, Glass does realize that being dragged behind a horse, let alone a motor vehicle, is enough to kill somebody. Especially since Floyd isn’t even wearing his mask. And he’s being dragged along jungle terrain. I’M DONE I AM JUST DONE

Then we meet Regulus who looks like 90’s Superman as dressed by Loki.

How am I even supposed to react to that.
What were they even going for.

Truly the Squad is left breathless, thinking to themselves, “this is the guy that keeps getting the better of us?”

Regulus then starts to punch everybody for pretty much no reason, but mostly Harley. He violently grabs her hand and forces her to kneel… Then yells at her to stop holding his hand and punches her in the face. Black Spider finally figures out how Regulus is so fast, but then he gets his ass kicked. Worst ninja ever. Maybe it’s because he keeps attacking people like this:

honk

Either way, Regulus hands the Squad their own asses, then offers them a job. IS IT COMPANY POLICY TO PROVE HOW TERRIBLE YOU ARE AMONG POTENTIAL EMPLOYEES? DO THEY THINK THAT PEOPLE WANT THE KIND OF BOSS THAT KICKS THEIR TEETH IN? DO THEY WANT AN EMPLOYEE WHO’S JUST HAD HIS TEETH KICKED IN!? Now hiring, now with more unprovoked violence.
I remind you that this is the crew that was basically all going on about how much they hate Waller; he probably would have been more successful if he had just asked.

And this book is like, suddenly obsessed with Iceberg’s pre-criminal career, but I can’t tell if it’s supposed to be Glass’ idea of a running gag or a legitimate plot point.

Either way, King Shark is literally the only (semi)person that cares.

Meanwhile, cringeworthy dialogue—

–aaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
And in an attempt to get the Squad to simmer down and listen to sense gosh darn it, Regulus shoots one of the prisoners down in the pit, threatening to make the Squad watch him kill everyone down there and make them watch otherwise.

I-
did he not get the memo that these guys were in jail? That most of them have killed people without a second thought? They killed a whole boardroom barely an issue ago. Regulus knows enough about them to know Iceberg was a doctor, what was his logic here!? Why do I keep asking that when I know the question is pointless.

And then he calls King Shark an “accident,” which is just rude.
And Deadshot channels Holden Caulfield in an “OH NO YOU DI’NT” style diss-fest.

They both lost.
So they fight, which leads to Boomerang…DEFECTING AGAIN TWIST TWIST DOUBLE TRIPLE AGENT AND A SQUEEZE OF LEMON IN YOUR EYES.

“Let’s Boogie”

And this was all part of Amanda Waller’s hyper elaborate plan, which magically fixes every plot hole Glass has written so far.

PSYCHE, this plan relies on way too much coincidence to ever be feasible. You think you had it all figured out didn’t you, weaving your intricate web of lies and deceit and “intrigue.” FUCK YOUR PRECONCEPTIONS ABOUT WRITING YOU CAN’T JUST BULLSHIT CLEVERNESS. You can’t just PULL STUFF OUT OF YOUR ASS AND TAPE IT TOgETHER WITH THE PASTE YOU’VE BEEN EATING ALL CLASS THAT ISN’T HOW GOOD WRITING WORKS

ALSO WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN

Getting back to this imposter that calls itself a plot, the team decides to go “stealth” which makes NO FUCKING SENSE WHAT NONE OF THE GUARDS YOU JUST BEAT UP HAD THE SENSE TO SOUND AN ALARM IS EVERYONE IN THIS UNIVERSE INCOMPETENT

AND THAT GUY JUST TAKES OUT THE WHOLE GUARD TOWER WITH A SINGLE KNIFE
WHAT
W H A T

I need to calm down.
In your meantime, look at this terrible battlescene. It’s funnier if you think of every collision having the sound effect “HONK”

Okay, so it turns out Black Spider is the traitor, but if I didn’t care before, I certainly didn’t care now. I guess the Squad could’ve asked themselves that if CB was the traitor before, who killed Green Basilisk guy. And if CB wasn’t the traitor, then the traitor would still be among them. Important questions never to ask yourself.

I just… at least the story makes a little more sense if Black Spider is the traitor, but…like I said before, no emotional connection to this guy? I mean, for people reading these reviews without reading the comics, do you even remember who Black Spider is?

He pulls an exsplanibrag too.

And holy shit are you seeing El Diablo’s face how do you take that seriously
Black Spider says the trigger word  because everyone is actually a sleeper agent except for Deadshot for…some reason… The trigger word, by the way, is “Sasparillo.” Assuming that Glass wasn’t misspelling “sasparilla,” I did multiple google searches to try and figure out what sasparillo is. This was the first result.

Also, TERRIBLE BLATANT EXPOSITION TIME

Okay, Deadshot and Harley. That said, I have no idea why Floyd’s doing that in the second panel. Or what “that” is that he’s supposed to be doing.

Black Spider then reveals that he is going to TAKE WALLER OUT OF THE PICTURE

Looks like they’ve got the wrong Waller, but hey she looks PRETTY FUKKEN RECOGNIZABLE.
NO WONDER THAT GUY’S CONFUSED.

AHGGRHAUGFS

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