Reviewicide Squad: Suicide Squad Issue #9

Okay, so overly-long, unofficial hiatus over.
Say hello to Suicide Squad Issue #9:

It’s kinda ugly (which is hardly a departure from the norm), but there’s really nothing otherwise noteworthy about it.

Except maybe King Shark’s face.

Jeez.

The first line in the comic is from Deadshot, “Mitch Shelley…is eating dirt.” (Emphasis mine.) I assume that’s supposed to be some action-movie one-liner? It certainly isn’t literal. But…it’s also not clever. It’s not even the best use of the phrase! It’s not like Deadshot kicked him into the dirt—Mitch Shelley isn’t face down. He might’ve well have said “Mitch Shelley….is shot in the face.” At least that’s accurate. Or even, “…is taking a dirt nap.” Equally lame, but still slightly more accurate. Look at the face Mitch’s making. Even in death, he knows how lame that line was.

The title page has a lot going on.
Ignoring the art for now, we learn that the situation we’ve been thrown into without context is leftover from a crossover with Resurrection Man. I don’t read RM, so I don’t know if I should feel sorry for it being tied to SS. …I take that back, I still feel bad for it. It’s hard to imagine it could be worse than Suicide Squad. Anyway, we get this sidenote in reference to the sudden appearance of…

Sigh.

Iceberg. Complete with goddamn ice puns jesus fucking christ. And look at this fucking guy with his goddamn fur lined jacket. Did they lobby for Mr.Freeze, and when they couldn’t get him, just made some douchebag up that was basically him? (Only stupider because, y’know, Suicide Squad.)

Okay, now we can look at the art and jiminy Christmas what a MESS.

Every character looks like they were shopped out of a completely different picture and plopped willy-nilly wherever the fuck they fit. Not to mention their poses are fucking ridiculous. King Shark is like four times his usual size, Black Spider (Urban Ninja) is clearly very confused and is about to crash right into Deadshot, and Iceberg is gazing dramatically to the left. You know what? He totally looks like some C-list villain swearing vengeance for he “WILL LIVE TO FREEZE AGAIN” or something. He certainly doesn’t look like he’s mildly questioning the ease of their supposedly dangerous mission.

Deadshot looks like he’s channeling his inner Escher Girl. Maybe Glory? Either way, oh no, Deadshot, your anatomy is running away.

Oh god, what a clusterfuck that page is. By the next page, it’s clear that we’ve missed all the action, and we’re never going to get any context for the situation without buying Resurrection Man and fuck that. Deadshot walks around playing leader by being a dick to everyone and mocking Iceberg’s powers. Iceberg stalks off muttering like me at twelve years old on a family vacation.

He’s a big, scary, bad man, you see.

And then they find…uh, WOMAN! Apparently related to the deceased whom we can now reasonably assume is the titular Resurrection Man! I don’t know how they failed to notice this woman before—she’s covered in blood and appears to be screaming. (Although, another case of “did the artist even know what she was supposed to be saying because fuck all if that speech bubble matches that illustration.”)

This panel is a harsh reminder that it’s best not to try thinking when reading Suicide Squad because—
Okay, in that first sentence, Mitch Shelley is the package, the purpose of the mission, and the woman is the ribbon, something extra, right? Okay, that makes—wait what does “tying it up” mean. Literally tying up…wait. That would imply tying up Mitch, but he’s talking about the woman. This comic isn’t stupid enough (I think) to try using a woman as twine, so… Okay, forgetting the previous analogy for a second, is he asking if they should literally tie up the woman?

And Waller says, “ship it home,” but—you ship packages not bows and wouldn’t you “tie her up” first if you were shipping her home anyway and

Oh my god Adam Glass you are SO FUCKING BAD AT THESE THINGS. You mix up your metaphors harder than mixed nuts just STOP
Or stop to THINK

….Anyway, Black Spider (Urban Ninja) knocks her out and poofs out with a flashbang. Surly ol’ Deadshot grunts his disapproval through a narration text box.

And we’re back with Harley, which means it’s also time for me to start banging my head against the nearest available surface. It’s that bad.

First, nitpicky:

It’s “to WHOM am I speaking,” asshole! “I” is the subject, so “whom” is the object! BOOM grammar. You call yourself a fucking doctor?! You got through COLLEGE with that grammar SON? (also what’s wrong with your face)

Anyway, that’s only to lessen the pain because the reason he’s asking is…

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Not only is that THE most clichéd way of introducing split personalities, but FUCK YOU GLASS, Harley does NOT HAVE SPLIT PERSONALITIES.

harleen image from Suicide Squad #9

Oh get the fuck out, you imposter. He writes this like it’s some big reveal, like “oh, THAT’S why Harley’s crazy.” There are no words. It’s not even the stupidest move Glass has pulled, but it might actually the one that rubs me wrong the most. It’s just TOO stupid. Arrrrrgh, I can’t even deal with this. Let’s get back to the actual squad.

They’re on a “God-Mobile,” and Deadshot makes cracks about El Diablo’s religion, once again trying to convince him(self?) that El Diablo doesn’t kill because he believes his god tells him to, but because he enjoys it. Yeah, Floyd, I’m really sure you’re gonna change his mind. I guess they’re all bored.

Through all this, Mitch Shelley aka Resurrection Man is shining like a fucking beacon, and the squad takes this to mean that he’s coming back to life. Which is pretty interesting because apparently Waller never told them that he could do that.

You know, if I didn’t know better, I’d actually think that Waller was trying to sabotage every mission. There is literally no reason why she wouldn’t tell them that. That’s IMPORTANT MISSION INTEL. She must want them to fucking fail. WHY ELSE. WHY SHE’S SUPPOSED TO BE HYPER INTELLIGENT ISN’T SHE I hate this comic.

Mitch is reasonably angry that the Suicide Squad apparently shot him out of fucking nowhere.
El Diablo declares that he seems “Other-Worldly” in quotes like that because….?
Deadshot does 4+ somersaults and calls for some razzle and dazzle. (Dude, you can say it as one word.)

With a resounding “BZERRK,” Fabio Mitch electrocutes Light and um…

Light is elightrocuted. image from Suicide Squad #9

Uh Light. What the hell are you doing with your head. And why are you making that expression. Euh.

So they throw everything (except bullets for some reason!?) they’ve got at him (literally, in King Shark’s case) in an attempt to kill him again, and just look at this panel I just cannot.

THWACK! image from Suicide Squad #9

Is this a slapstick routine or a fight.

Anyway, the fight is about three more pages and mostly consists of characters being flung in the air and incompetence on both sides, until Light and Deadshot run off into a cave.

Suddenly we’re reading Resurrection Man’s narrative text boxes, and boy is he dull and alluding to things I don’t know or care about because I don’t read Resurrection Man.

Oh, and King Shark burps up Yo-Yo while El Diablo watches. Literally burps, I’m not kidding. With a “BLURRRRP” and everything. El Diablo is sorta confused, but mostly unfazed. Yo-Yo, groaning, slinks into a conveniently placed sewage drain (in the middle of…wait where the fuck even are they) because that is everyone’s first instinct after escaping a giant bipedal shark’s gullet what are you talking about.

Back to Light and Deadshot, Light thinks somebody should kill Waller. Deadshot mocks her with an “it’s gonna be you, right” because everyone knows she’s basically the Dazzler of the team. Wow, light powers! I’m so impressed.

Then he kills her because “IF ANYONE’S GONNA PUT A BULLET IN AMANDA WALLER IT’S GONNA BE” him and what
He obviously didn’t think she’s a threat and what is with people in this comic giving speeches to people that are dead.

There’s a Waller scene next, but it’s all about Resurrection Man, and she’s gotten so stupid that reading her dialog depresses me anyway.
So cut to Deadshot jumping off a cliff, and Mitch running right on after like lemming with really great hair.

The idea was that Floyd would be getting to safety I guess? But he’s jumping into water and Mitch is electrified so. And apparently the only reason that Deadshot remains conscious and Mitch doesn’t is because Deadshot knows “the Fugitive Jump” which is just a dive. …It’s stupid and doesn’t explain why he doesn’t get electrified, but fair enough. It’s not the dumbest thing they’ve ever done by far.

But then Deadshot describes the endeavor as leading Mitch into a Honey Trap. That’s it. THAT’S IT. A honey trap, or honey pot, is a trap alright. It’s a trap where the honey is SEX. You entrap them with SEX. Not by JUMPING OFF A CLIFF. You know, I’ve been suspecting for a while now, but is English not Adam Glass’ first language? Because he has a lot of these misnomer-y mishaps in this comic. What’s going on, huh?

Then Deadshot goes at the unconscious Resurrection Man with a chainsaw that I presume he pulled out of his ass. Y’know, Floyd? I hate to break it to you, but I think he probably will resurrect from that.

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