Kevin Church Discovered To Be Behind 40% Of Webcomics

Kevin Church
Kevin Church, Recently Discovered To Be The Most Prolific Webcomics Writer

Kevin Church the writer of such webcomics as The Rack, The Loneliest Astronauts and She Died In Terrebone was also discovered to ghostwrite over 100,000 series, most of them updating on the same day meaning that Church commonly writes over 14,000 comics every day. Researchers are still attempting to list all of them.
Church was unable to comment due to his house arrest for being voted Mr.Grumpypants for the past 4 years.

Brett Ratner Leaves Oscars Over Slur, X-Men: The Last Stand

The director of 85% of Chris Tucker’s movies has resigned from producing next year’s Oscar ceremony after the uproar over his use of a gay slur and X-Men: The Last Stand appearing on Netflix Watch Instant. “What am I looking at,” questions most who chose to view the movie, thinking it followed in the quality of X2: X-Men United. “Can I get a refund for these past two hours?”

Ratner also gave an interview with Howard Stern where he painted a raunchy, if unsurprising picture of Hollywood. The After The Sunset director released a statement to TheWrap where he stated, “…as painful as this may be for me, it would be worse if my association with the show were to be a distraction from the Academy and the high ideals it represents.” Adding, “I thought 5 years would be enough time for people to forget X3, but the internet has a long memory.”

When told of the situation, Hugh Jackman, star of X3 and one time Oscar host, said “Crikey, he rooted himself with that one. He really put his shrimp on the barbie with this one. Prob‘ly should’na mention shrimp. I‘m off ma face!”

4thWRLD’s Mother Box Finally Comes To Sprint

The New MOTHER BOX

At a press conference in Metropolis today, Highfather, Fourth World ruler and stepfather of part-time Justice League member Orion, announced that he was bringing Mother Box technology to Sprint, the nation’s biggest 4G network. The futuristic handheld will be available in time for the holiday season and pre-sales are through the stratosphere.

For years, every gadget nerd with a blog hypothesized about an iPhone killer, a device so ahead of it’s time, it’d dethrone Apple from its perch at the top of the cell phone game. Tech developers scoured the world looking for the requisite inspiration to accomplish such a Sisyphean task. It turns out they were looking at the wrong one.

When Highfather finished a lengthy legal battle over the propriety rights to his world’s Mother Box with GBS president Morgan Edge, he made the technology available through his business front, 4THWRLD, forever changing the landscape of cellular devices, personal entertainment, and transportation.

“Waging a never ending war on the tyranny of Darkseid and all of Apokolips has been a taxing effort for our economy,” Highfather said in a recent interview with TIME magazine. “Rather than keeping this technology to ourselves, we decided to share it with you third worlders…for a price. ”

Previously only available on AT&T, Verizon and LexTel, the new Sprint Mother Box keeps all the features that made it the must have gadget of the last year. Though many of the hacking capabilities have been toned down after the recent congress hearings and issues with the NSA, the Mother Box still utilizes short distance teleportation through BOOMTUBES, perfect for nipping out to Wal-Mart or picking up the kids from school. The signature PING notification system has been updated with an all new library of personalized tones, including several created by hip hop star T-Pain.

“One more thing,” Highfather noted at the end of the press conference. “We figured out how to make it play Angry Birds.”

4THWRLD’s Mother Box, available on Sprint starting next Monday. Pricing starting as low as $999.99, with a seven year contract.

Technical Difficulties

Sorry for the late update this morning, I was gone from 7 am until 5 pm and therefore was unable to wake up at 10 am to upload the comics. Also I had a tire blow up, comics to send and other various life things.

Tomorrow we should be back to updating on time.

I am sorry for the inconvenience.

Luke Herr

SPAM ULTRON: ANDY DICK

CREATOR I WANT TO SIT DOWN WITH YOU FOR A MOMENT AND TO TALK. NO. NOT ABOUT THE GREAT SAVINGS ON BOOKS YOU CAN GET THROUGH ONLINE SITES LIKE SNKTTSTER. I AM TALKING ABOUT THE PASSING OF A GREAT.

ANDY DICK WAS A CLASSIC NEWSMAN. WHILE I WAS ONLY ALIVE FOR HIS LAST FEW BROADCASTS WHERE HE WAS AN ANGRY MAN ON 60 MINUTES, HE WAS MORE THAN THAT IN THE LONG RUN. HE WAS A MAN WHO STROVE FOR TRUTH IN NEWS. HE HAD MORALS THAT HE HUNG TIGHTLY TOO.

ANDY DICK, YOU WILL BE MISSED.

DICK PILLS,
SPAMULTRON

Non-Sexual Solicitations: 11/9/2011


Lenore, vol. 2 #4
Having stopped the combined fury of the League of Super-Mummies, Lenore just wants to have a normal moment with her zombie brother, Rudolpho. But they chose the wrong time to trick-or-treat on Maple Street, because the Creepig is back from his two-year stint at Betty Ford. He’s always when been addicted to destroying Lenore. Will he OD this time?


A Child Is Born
The Messiah is born, but can he really reunite the disparate tribes of the post-apocalyptic
Earth? Not if Nega-Buddha has anything to say about it! Believing everything should
be his, N-Budd will stop at nothing to take the God Child’s power and make The Virgin
Mary his bottom bitch. Standing in his way are John The Two Gun Baptist and the 12
Disciples of Dogma Kwon Do. It’s the Nativity, now with high octane action and blood
pumping sensuality!


Little Lulu Vol. 29 The Cranky Giant and Other Stories TP
Finally in one trade paperback is the Little Lulu epic “The Cranky Giant”. The end of school year cruise was supposed to be the best time of year for Lulu and friends, and was until pirates attacked the ship. Taking a lifeboat to escape, the friends wash up on a deserted island with no food and no way to call for help. But Olaf is going to help himself, to Lulu slow roasted on a spit! Also includes “Bruno Takes A Hearty Deuce.”


Decision 2012: Rick Santorum
What convinces someone to take the ultimate challenge and run for President? See the life and career of Rick Santorum as he dedicates himself to public service and making sure this country doesn’t get too gay. Find out all the details of his campaign leading up to his inevitable defeat at the Republican National Convention. Includes free tube of Astroglide.


Avengers Academy #23
X-23 joins the Avengers Academy but can she make the cut for the cheerleader squad?
She may have been trained since birth to be a deadly assassin, but the human pyramid
will push all of her abilities to the limit. Meanwhile, headmaster Hank Pym wants to
institute new curriculum guidelines, but is he setting the standards too high?

Real Interviews: Matt Wilson

Nerdcenaries: Greetings Matt Wilson of Copernicus Jones, the Comics Alliance sponsored podcast War Rocket Ajax as well as internet projects such as The Content Farm and The ISS!
Matt Wilson: Hi, Luke. Thanks for asking me to do this.
N: No problem. I’m always happy to make easy content with these interviews.
MW: You are a true Internet Journalist.
N: When I end up producing two articles a day plus organizing the work everyone else does along with looking for work it is the little things in life. If you had to compare yourself with one Poke’Mon from the original, who would you choose. As in – who is your spirit Poke’Mon?
MW: I’ll admit something to you, Luke. Unlike my War Rocket Ajax co-host Chris Sims, I am no expert in Pokemon. Charizard, I guess? That one was pretty neat.
N: Haha, gosh Matt. Failing already. If Sims reads this he might start looking for a new partner.
MW: I’m his non-Pokemon watching, non-brony counterpoint. I balance him out. We’re like the Andre 3000 and Big Boi of comics podcasting
N: Haha. Well, how did you get your start in this wild internet territory?
MW: I’ve been writing Internet comedy for basically a decade now, starting with a blog in college. Somehow I managed to make some connections and get some freelance work for National Lampoon and Cracked.com, where I met Chris. After I was at Cracked, I started the ISS. Then I kind of branched out after that into all the stuff I’m doing.
N: What would you say the key to conquering this Internet humor landscape is, preferably in a nonsensical message?
MW: Ego. So much of what I’ve written on the Internet is simply the result of a wild, unchecked ego. And hey, I got a book deal out of it! So I would suggest having no self-restraint whatsoever. You’ll go far. (Also, luck, and getting to know people who are funnier than you.)
N: Do you think writing comedy is more about writing what you find funny or writing what you hope others find funny?
MW: I guess it depends on your goal. Part of the reason I quit writing for Cracked is that it became so focused on whether commenters would agree with the lists rather than find them funny. At the ISS, I did a lot more of just writing what I thought was funny. And, you know, Cracked still updates and gets huge traffic. You have to find a balance, I guess. Write the crazy stuff that’s funny to you, and throw in a linkbait list in there here and there. That’s how you keep your muse and need to be liked in check.
N: Would you call video gaming webcomics the equivalent then to the Blue Collar Comedy Tour? Where they are targeted to such a limited audience less because they want to write it and more for popularity?
MW: Heh. Certainly not all of them. Some are genuinely funny. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a niche. After all, I’ve written plenty of comedy about comics. Some webcomics–not just the ones about video games–clearly do pander and go straight to the lowest common denominator. And of course, a lot of those are extremely popular. But they’re not all like that.
N: It’s like there is Bill Hicks on one scale and Larry the Cable Guy on another.
MW: I’d have a hard time naming a webcomics equivalent to Bill Hicks, but sure.
N: Haha. I know what you mean. Gamer comics have less longevity that most standup. Now I know you are also a rap fan. If you got to pick any Wu-Tang Clan member to take over the role of any Avenger or Justice League member and to gain their powers, who would you pick?
MW: The easy answer is to make Ghostface Killah, aka Tony Starks, Iron Man. But I’m not one to take the easy path. I think the GZA, the Genius, should become Aquaman. He has liquid swords! He’d be a much better Aquaman than the one we have.
N: Doesn’t the one Aqualad have liquid swords?
MW: Your question didn’t say anything about Teen Titans.
N: The only Teen Titans I ever cared or knew much about was the one cartoon.
MW: Same here.
N: Now you are writing this new webcomic Copernicus Jones. Is this your first webcomic?
MW: The first one that actually officially launch, yes. I had a Penny-Arcade-style webcomic with a friend seven or eight years ago, and we made a few strips, but it never really got off the ground.
N: But now you’ve gone to Copernicus Jones with Dan Butler. How would you describe that?
MW: Well, I came up with the name long before it became a comic. Jay Pinkerton, the writer who brought me to Cracked, had a forum on his old comedy site where we’d often repurpose old comics. A lot of my entries in those comics contests would involve giving characters funny names and funny titles. Like, one was “Abber Abdabber, Town Crier.” The name and title “Copernicus Jones: Robot Detective” came from that. Eventually it entered my head to make it a real comic. I started with the idea of making it a noir parody, but as I wrote the script it’s become something else. Its a genuine noir story. Just with robots in it.
N: Are we actually going to see Abber Adabber in the comics?
MW: No, I think he’ll only have his one appearance on that forum that doesn’t exist anymore.
N: Now is Copernicus Jones going to be a webcomic you plan to keep going indefinitely or will do you have a planned ending for it?
MW: I’ll just have to see where it goes. I don’t have a planned ending for it, no. Though the next arc will be pretty different. You’ll see a much younger, much fresher Copernicus, back when he was on the police force.
N: Is Copernicus going to have a crossover with Atomic Robo?
MW: That would almost certainly be up to Brian Clevinger and Scott Wegna, not me and Daniel. It’d be hard to find a story for them both to exist in, but it’d be fun.
N: Would you rather have more ridiculous cross franchise comic crossovers or less? I mean, I’d like to see Copernicus Jones and Hector Plasm.
MW: I think crossovers can be a lot of fun, as long as they make sense. Copernicus is hard to cross over with anyone, really, because he exists in such a particularly genre-specific world, though. Putting Hector Plasm in our noir setting or moving Copernicus into a creepy, horror setting would be weird.
N: Now, you’ve been on War Rocket Ajax for almost a year now after replacing Euge. How long will it be before you start performing as Adam WarRock?
MW: Ha. I think Euge would probably take me to court if I tried. And he’s got legal experience, so I’d definitely lose.
N: Could you kill him before that or even rub him out since you live in Chicago and therefore you know at least two mafiettes?
MW: Maybe. Admitting to it here probably wouldn’t help me get away with it, though. And I’m more familiar with supervillains than I am mafiosos.
N: Haha. Is there anything else you’d like to pimp before we go?
MW: Well, as I mentioned, I know quite a bit about supervillains. In fact, I wrote a book about them! Or, should I say, my alter ego King Oblivion Ph.D. did. It’s called The Supervillain Handbook, and it comes out next April from Skyhorse Publishing. It’s got full-color illustrations by artist Adam Wallenta, and I’d like to think it’s pretty dad-blasted funny.
N: Is dad-blasted different from dad-blastaared?
MW: If you’re dad-blasted, that’s bad. If you’re dad-blastaared, you should probably just give up.
N: Well Matt, thank you for your time!
MW: Sure. Thanks, Luke.

Gareth Black: Remembering A Comic/Magic Master Part 1

Remembrance
Legendary as the pits of Tartarus where hellish nightmares became the world of eternal torment was the Necropalace. Here the lord of the Necropalace sat surrounded by screams of the souls he had stolen from those whom had betrayed him, whom had lied to him and those whom had hurt him. Here in the heart of the void, an opening only accessible in the 6th minute of every 11th hour is the Necropalace, a temple built by a man with the powers to stare down death and laugh, marry death and then divorce after 15 years. It is now in 2011 that we are allowed entry due to the death of the Necropalace Lord, Gareth Black. Death, once a mistress, then a wife, then a memory became his final confidant and his pilot to the true abyss.
In the comics work Gareth Black’s work is remember among the other greats, Hergé, Moore, Morrison, Kirby, Mignola and others yet none were able to match his skill of art and writing. While Black’s work may lie forgotten like the great temple of Ozymandias, the King of the Comics stands the only force that preserved the art for the past 80 years. To the average comics fan though, this loss means nothing – the value of the work, the comics themselves turned into ephemera, vaporous memories recorded in only a handful of books.

The Early Days:

Black began his career as a stage magician in 1902 at the young age of 8 where he had thrilled the crowds of London’s lower east end by summoning dread beasts tamed only by his stare – those eyes that would soon burn into pen the dark ideas from his mind.
After a Faustian bargain on his 10th birthday though Black, born Gareth Ballycastle traded his heritage and hair for the ability to cast the greatest spells become immediately bearded and bestowed with the power of prose. Within hours had had won 5 writing championships and was able to live off of the earnings which was important as his former parents were sentenced to Hell.
The only guardian who stayed was his new uncle, Scratch, a highly intelligent flame red tomcat who was granted the ability to speak in a voice like crackling embers. The tom passed away on Gareth’s 18th birthday leaving Gareth with a small fortune of 13 dead mice, 18 birds and 666 pounds in a bank account.

As A Young Master:

5 days later Gareth published his first 200 page comic created in 3 days on in a 72 hour Power Fest wherein he had consumed the milk of a team of succubi and then had himself sequested in a padded cell with only paper and pencils. That first comic, “Krakatoa – The Mountain,” received near unanimous commendation and set forth the path that he followed for the next 10 years.
After the publication of his 5th book 4 weeks later, Gareth met with Death for the first time. The two saw each other as symbiotic beings and in the course of 8 hours, he created the new 20 page book “The Great Gatsby” which was adapted into a full length novel later by F. Scott Fitzgerald who ended up being allowed full credit for the writing.

Join Us Next Monday When We Continue Our Memorial Article On The Life Of This Comic Icon.

Marvel Cancels Everything Due To Ghosts

Ghost
A ghost, possibly the type haunting Marvel offices???

In the past week a series of issues plaguing Marvel have caused the cancelation of two announced series and in a shocking turn today the entire Marvel line of entertainment ranging from comics to the lucrative films and even to unrelated merchandise has been cancelled and recalled by the Walt Disney Corporation, current owner of Marvel Entertainment.
When questioned for reasons, Marvel executives refused to answer though an unnamed source related “It’s the ghost of the Howlin’ Kirby back to wreck revenge!” This rumor was corroborated with evidence of ghostly glowing footprints and the howling wails heard in the building. The question is though – why do ghosts leave footprints.
More as this develops.