Elseworlds: 1996 WWF: The Slammies

Not a hoax, not a dream, but definitely an imaginary story.

AllOutOfBubblegum Usenet Report posted:

I got in a little early, and was able to catch a Mark Henry match, where he beat Sid. I guess they’re counting these for the streak, since a 12 popped up after the match.

After that, I stepped out for a trip to concessions, and I’m sure I picked a bad time, because when I got back, Bret Hart was walking to the back after a match. Figures, on a Canada show, I manage to miss Bret Hart.

 

Intro for the 1996 Slammy Awards. Undertaker presents the What a Maneuver award. Jushin Liger wins for the Shooting Star Press, and thanks everyone back home in Japan, as well as the Brave Lions.

IC Title: Jerry Lynn/Matt Hardy, Lynn goes over with the Tornado DDT off the top rope
During the match the commentators note that McMahon has stated that Lynn isn’t the sanctioned IC Champ and that a new IC belt is in the works.
Bradshaw joins the commentary booth, replacing Mean Gene, and loudly rebuts these reports.

“HE’S GOT THE BELT, SO HE’S THE CHAMP! HAVEN’T YA EVER HEARD THAT POSESSION IS 9/10 OF THE LAWR? THIS IS AMERICA, RODDY, HE’S JES BEIN’ PATRIOTIC, AN’ FLAUNTIN’ THE GIFTS THE LAND ‘A’ OPPORTUNY’S GIVEN HIM!”

“NOW YOU LISSEN TA ME, YA BELLIGERENT LITTLE PUKE, I’VE HELD THAT INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE, AN’ I NEVER HAD TO DIG IT OUTTA NO TRASH CAN! I’VE DONE SOME DIRTY THINGS IN MY DAY, BUT I NEVER DUG THROUGH A GARBAGE BARGE FOR A BELT! I AIN’T GOT NO INTEGRITY, BUT YOU CAN BE DAMN SURE I GOT TOO MUCH SELF-RESPECT TO DUMPSTER DIVE ON LIVE TV! AND THIS IS CANADA, YOU STUPID PIECE A SHIT!”

“AW, SELF-RESPECT, SCHMELF-RESC-RESPECHM-RE-WHATEVER! IT’S RESULTS THAT COUNT, AND IT’S PLAIN AS DAY THAT JERRY LYNN GOT RESULTS! AN’ WITH THE GUIDIN’ LIGHT CAP’N LOU ALBANO LEADIN’ THE WAY, THERE’S NO CHANCE IN HELL HE’S LOSIN’ THAT TITLE!”
I hope to god Bradshaw never returns to the commentating desk ever again. This match was a heatless affair that killed the crowd.

After that match, Bart Gunn and Bob Holly step up to the podium with Marc Mero and Marlena by their sides. They present the Tag Team of The Year Award… to the Three Man Power Trip: Steve Austin, Hunter Hearst Helmsely, and Brian Pillman! The three come out to accept their awards and steal Road Rage’s mics in the process. “What you goddamn Canadians need to understand is that there is no chance in hell that the Three Men Power Trip won’t walk into the Royal Rumble with our belts!” “It doesn’t matter who wins this tournament, none of those degenerates have half our nobility” “Those poor suckers, having to work every single week while we stay at home and drink our Perrier!” All three simuntaniously go “AW, HELL YEAH!” before leaving. HHH looked good but Marlena was pretty weak on the stick(not what I would have expected, if you catch my drift).

Backstage, Jimmy Hart is hyping up the Legion Of Violence, in a Slammies-themed airbrushed jacket. “Now we aren’t up for any awards tonight, but just you wait, next year, we’re gonna sweep ’em! And it’ll all start when we win this tag team tournament! And I wouldn’t be worth my salt as a manager if I didn’t give my clients outfits fit for the red carpet!” Jimmy Hart hands Shamrock and Sato red velvet entrance robes with AND THE WINNERS ARE… LEGION OF VIOLENCE on the back. Shamrock obviously appreciates the effort, but doesn’t care for the robes themselves.

Tag Team #1 Contendership Round 2: Legion of Violence vs. Creature Feature, Goldust pins Sato.

Taz presents Debut Of The Year, and goes on a rant about how nobody respects him, not DiBiase, not the fans, not anyone! The winner, Chris Jericho, runs him down, and says that if he really thinks he deserves the Best Debut award, he should prove it in the ring. Jericho didn’t get where he was by just sitting around complaining, he did it by winning matches and proving his skill. So if Taz is really that worked up over not winning Best Debut, he should put that anger into his match tonight, which is next. Taz and Jericho were both good.

Taz vs Godfather, Taz pins Godfather off a Tazmission-Plex. Taz was really sloppy, almost braining Godfather on a few suplexes.

Austin is stomping around backstage, livid. He passes Bret and Owen, who seem to snicker. “What the hayull are you laughin’ at, you sons of bitches? I lost my Intercontinental title because of that dumbass McMahon! But you know what, I’m not gonna dwell on that. I’m gonna look to the future. I’m gonna look to the Royal Rumble, where I’ll eliminate everyone else in that ring and main event Wrestlemania. Now how’s that for ya, you Canadian pieces of crap?” Austin walks away in a huff.

Pillman presents Rivalry Of The Year, and Owen and Bret accept, saying they’ve made their peace with one another, but it’s great to see the fans appreciate them. “Hey, Bret, if I win the belt and you win the Rumble, they might get to see Bret/Owen on the biggest stage of them all. Wouldn’t that be something!” A production assistant talks to Pillman a bit, and he interjects. “Hold on, you guys might not want to leave just yet, because I’m being told to open the Match Of The Year envelope… and you guys win again! Bret Hart vs Owen Hart from IYH: Great White North! Well tha-WHAT? NO! HOLD ON!” Pillman opens another envelope. “HEARTWARMING MOMENT? AW SON OF A BITCH! YOU GODDAMN HARTS WIN EVERYTHING, DON’T YOU?” In a fit of rage, Pillman takes the Heartwarming Moment Slammy and decks Owen with it before walking off in a huff. Everyone – shockingly even Pillman – was pretty bad on the mic tonight.

Dave Taylor w/ Hillbilly Jim vs. Sione, Taylor goes over. Farrrrrrrrt. Nobody cared, and Taylor wasn’t even on top of his game.

We are back to the back-lit room, we still cannot see the face of the old man. “I have seen the monster inside Mick Foley. I have fought the monster inside Mick Foley. And I have lost. But in defeat, I learned more about him than I ever wanted to know, and with that knowledge, I may just defeat him.”
As the old man speaks, his words are intercut with mysterious video footage of Mick Foley, face covered in blood, smiling madly.
“Because the state Mick Foley is in now, dancing in tye-dye, dressing up as Father Christmas, and tag teaming with the Heartbreak Kid? That is not what Mick Foley is. He may pretend that is what he believes himself to be, deep inside, but I have seen him at his worst, and I felt every ounce of the sick joy he took in my pain. In his very soul, Mick Foley is that beast, that demon, that monster. It is what he is, and the sooner I free him of his inhibitions… the happier he’ll be.” This dude is crazy on the mic.

Stone Cold presents Speech Of The Year. Goldust and Undertaker accept for the Shattered Dreams Productions Presents skits, and say they’ll see them for the tag team titles in 2 weeks. They stare down, but don’t actually fight yet. Austin is a little stale, sad to say.

Owen Hart/Brian Pillman, Owen wins by DQ after a low blow from Pillman. This was a very even match, with the both of them reversing each other’s holds until Pillman just got frustrated and socked Owen in the nuts.

Goldust presents Shocking Moment. WWF Raw moving to HBO wins, and Vince McMahon accepts the award. He talks about how he became acting WWF president after Gorilla Monsoon’s injury, and says he’ll try to run WWF as well as President Monsoon did.

Roddy presents Manager Of The Year. Jim Cornette wins, and insults Roddy all through his speech. Roddy takes offense, and Cornette offers a match with Vader in the main event tonight. Piper accepts.

Tag Team #1 Contendership Round 2: Heartbreakers vs. Camp Cornette, HBK pins Skunk after Sweet Oblivion. Skunk was obviously trying to please Cornette this time around, but that didn’t help him in the least. After Skunk Bombing Foley, he paused to showboat for Cornette, allowing the Heartbreakers to hit Sweet Oblivion.

After the match, Skunkrocker goes right to Cornette and begins apologizing. “Skunk, Skunk, stop. Stop. You know what? I’ll find something for you to do next week, just don’t come down to ringside during Vader’s match. I don’t want you screwing yet another thing up for us. Can you do that?”
“Yes, sir!” Skunk was bad as per usual.

Vince McMahon presents Wrestler Of The Year. Owen Hart wins, and gives a speech. “WOOOO! I’M A 4-TIME SLAMMY WINNER, AND I DID IT ALL BY MY SWEET LITTLE SELF!” Vader interrupts his speech. “I SHOULD HAVE THAT AWARD! I’VE BEEN THE CHAMPION SINCE SUMMERSLAM, DOMINATING EVERYONE IN MY WAY, ESPECIALLY YOUR BROTHER BRET! I DESERVE IT!” “You can prove that at the Royal Rumble, in our title match!”

Vader faced Roddy Piper in what was a pretty back-and-forth match before Bulldog attacked Piper for a DQ win. Piper was gassing out by the end, but it was good.

Vader and Camp Cornette mock Piper, before Bret and Owen and Jericho run in to make the save and end Raw. There was a massive pop for the Harts, but of course.

Weird show, everyone looked like they were having an off-day. Still the upper midcard and main event stuff was great resulting in a B- Raw.

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