Elseworlds: 1996 WWF: January, Week 2, 1997

Not a hoax, not a dream, but definitely an imaginary story.

DaltonBondFan3 Usenet Report posted:

Raw is in Texas tonight and we start off with Piper’s Pit! Roddy Piper is talking with Rick Martel, discussing the debacle that was the Christmas Raw’s IC Title match. “Jerry Lynn, you call yourself the real IC champion just because you can dig through garbage and have your squad of cheerleaders? And then you only defend it against actual cheerleaders? You can’t even be a good fake champion! Now, Piper, imagine how that belt could compliment my image…”

Chris Jericho then appears from behind the shadows! “Rick Martel, WOULD YOU PLEASE… SHUT… THE HELL… UP! It was my opportunity to win, and you took it away! Not just from me, from yourself as well! Did you forget that a title can’t change hands by DQ?” Martel and Jericho then brawl a bit until Austin’s music hits and he runs down to the ring with a mic in hand!
“Goddamn you sons of bitches, already forgetting about me! It was my title to begin with! I won it, fair and square! Hell, it would still be mine if that damn McMahon hadn’t taken it from me! And if you’re listening, where’s my title shot!” Jericho and Martel attack Austin for that, and all three get tangled up in a mess, all screaming about a title shot until the face of Vince McMahon appears on the TitanTron.
“Fellas, I get your plight just as much as you do. But we simply don’t have time for all three of you to challenge Jerry Lynn; he’s quite booked for a while. We do have one opening for a match, but you three will have to make a decision: either enter the Royal Rumble and have a chance for a WrestleMania shot at the WWF Title, or you can try to take the IC title from Lynn’s grasp. Pick one.”
Great promo to start off Raw where Austin, Martel and Jericho got to really shine.

Our first match of the night was Mark Henry facing off against Vampiro. Doink tried to interfere from ringside, but Henry frightened him off with a steely gaze. ICP also tried to interfere near the end, but Kane frightened them off by causing the ringposts to spurt fire. Henry eventually put Vampiro down with the World’s Strongest Slam and a silver 13 showed up on the titantron. Henry was really off his game tonight, but the match was still good.
After the match, Scotty Bollea comes out. “Neighbor, all I’ve been hearing about lately is Mark Henry, Mark Henry, Mark Henry. I don’t see the hype and neither do the millions of Scottymaniacs either! All you’ve been facing is dudes that aren’t even good enough to stand in the same ring as the All American Scotty Bollea! Let’s see how you and your streak fair against the the 48-inch vipers that vanquished the 3-tonne Chris Candido when you face off against the Scottster next week, neighbor!”

Bradshaw and Robert Ford are confronting each other backstage. “What was that crap at the Christmas Raw? You don’t just walk away from an opportunity like that! You take the bull by the horns! Especially if the bull is doing Da Butt! That’s a dangerous, powerfull bull! FEAR THE BULL!”
Dirty Dutch walks up and puts his arm around Ford.
“Well, the only bull I see around here is the bull you’re spewing, JUSTIN. That Captain Lou couldn’t lead a production of Rent, much less a faction! But Ol’ Dirty Dutch Dudley knows a thing or two about leadership. My boys may not hold the Tag Team Titles, but at least they’re feared competitors, unlike a New Age Assclown like yourself! When I make Robert here an honorary Dudley, he’ll be on the path to success in no time.”

Elsewhere, Barry Horowitz is looking around backstage, looking at a note in his hand. We see a hand from out of frame chloroform him and drag him off. Everyone in the crowd was confused by this segment and booed loudly.

Another backstage segment, this time Albano is hyping Jerry Lynn up for his match coming up. “Boyo, it don’t matter if McMahon or Piper or anyone else says that you ain’t the champ. You got the belt, you get the wins, and you got the Guiding Light by your side. You’re a champ no matter what and you can take on all comers!”

It’s an IC Title Match: Jerry Lynn versus Kane. Almost immediately, the Insane Clown Posse are out and were smack-talking Kane, calling his momma a ho, and calling him a barbecue-lookin’ motherfucker, and all that. Kane loses his focus through all of ICP’s taunts, allowing Jerry Lynn to get in a few moves on Kane, before Kane retaliates. End of the match sees Shaggy 2 Dope try to trip Kane and while Kane is turned around Jerry Lynn hits a springboard Tornado DDT for the 3.

The Ultimate Warrior cut a promo on The Undertaker and Goldust. “aaaaAAAAAAH, GOOOLDUUUST! YOOOOU THINK YOUR UNDERTAKER CAN GUARANTEE YOU VICTORY AT THE ROOOOOYAL RUMMMMBLE *SKROOOONK* BUT YOU KNOW NOTHING OF THE SPIRIT OF A WAAAAAAARRRRIIIOOOORRR! A WARRIOR FACES DEATH EVERY DAY ON THE BATTLEFIELD, *SKROOOONK* AND THE BATTLES A WAAARRRIIOOORR FACES ON HIS TERRAIN OF TESTAMENT ARE LONGER AND MORE GRUELING THAN ANY ROYAL RUMBLE, GOOOLLDUUUUSTT! KNOW YE THIS, WHEN I DEFEAT YOU AND YOUR UNDERTAKER, AND WIN THE ROYAL RUMBLE, AND THE RIGHT TO HEADLINE WRRRRESSSSSSSSSSTTLLLLEEEMMMMMAAANNNNNNNIIIAAAAAAA *SKROOOOOOOOOONK* OOOOOOOHHHH WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTT AAAAAAAAAA RUUUUUUUUUSSSSHHHH ITTT WIIIILLLLLL BEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

Ahmed Johnson is in the ring, standing behind a podium. “HOW DO. MYRTLE YELL FEN POPE WE SHELF PACE REE RUMBA MACHO DEN FISHMAN. VOLDO MAYBE MAN ON HER GOODALL, I ME KIM SELLIN’ WWF CHAMP. VEDDER’S DURBORAL PERSON, AND JIM KERNEL’S NEVER BUST TESTED. I HAD PROBLEMS, SO MESSINGS SOME, BUT THAT’S THE PISS. JELQIN’, CHEESE CANDY, DELI WHITEY, JELLY ASS, BOB BACKING, GONE AND GONEING. I CAN BE FUSCHIA. I’LL NEED PLEASE REE ROOMBA MATCH, AND WE CAN BE HIGHER FURL EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY.”
Chris Candido comes out to interrupt, they share heated words off-mic, and soon descend into brawling. Candido gains the upper hand, hitting Ahmed with his own podium before leaving. Ahmed takes up the microphone once more, incensed. “NO MAN, PENELOPE. I’M CHUMP SOMETIME LATER. CHEEKY DANDY, YOU’RE MINE. YOU AND ME, RUDE RUM CHATA.”

Marc Mero, Hardcore Holly, and Bart Gunn/Headshrinkers, Holly pins Samu after the Alabama Slam. Samu was off his game.
After the match, Mero tries to celebrate with Holly and Gunn, but ends up standing to the side as Holly and Gunn take center stage.

Before his match, Bradshaw and Albano start to cut a promo. “I GOT A TAG TEAM MATCH TONAGHT, BUT MAH TAG TEAM PARTNER, THE COWARD ROBERT FORD, LEFT ME BECAUSE HE DIDN’T THINK LOU ALBANO COULD LEAD ME TO THE TOP! BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, I GOT A NEW TAG TEAM PARTNER! HIT IT, CAP’N!” Why did they think Bradshaw needed to improv for this one? He’s no good at it.
Bradshaw and Candido vs HOES. Candido proved a much better fit in the company of Captain Lou Albano, following his advice and dodging strikes from Godfather and Godwinn as the Guiding Light guided him on. Eventually, they double teamed Godwinn, hitting him with the Clothesline From Hell and the New Jersey Jam legdrop in quick succession, giving Bradshaw the 3.

We cut back to the backlit room. The old man with the frail voice begins to speak again. “Hello. It’s nice to talk to you again. I have spent weeks talking about the pain that Mick Foley can cause, and only now do I realize that I have not even begun to speak of the pain that I can cause. So allow me to demonstrate.” The old man lights a match, and in its light we can see a gagged Barry Horowitz. We can only see a bit of the old man’s face, hidden by what looks like a stocking, as if he were a bank robber trying to hide his face from the teller. The old man uses the match to light a nearby candle, giving us a very dim view of what he does next.
The old man then applies a sleeper hold onto Horowitz, and Horowitz’ grunts and groans can be heard. “The sleeper hold is a beautiful thing, isn’t it? Such a simple hold, but it can hurt so much when used correctly.” As the old man talks, Horowitz struggles and strains against the gag and the hold. “What it does is it cuts off the blood supply to the brain, leading to a slow… painful… agonizing slide into unconsciousness. I don’t suppose you’ve ever held your hands to a man’s neck as he struggles and strains for his consciousness, but I can tell you it is exhilarating. I now have the ultimate power over young mister Horowitz here, the power to end his life. But that would be no fun. Why end the suffering?” The old man releases the hold, and Horowitz collapses to the ground, his labored breathing still audible. “Mick Foley has done more base, more brutal, and more downright vile things than I just did, and I aim to bring back the thing inside him that spurred him to those actions. At the Royal Rumble, you will see my face… and you will learn true fear.” Whoever this guy is, he’s fucking great, but no one cared one bit about Horowitz.

Mick Foley and Vince McMahon are talking in Vince’s office. “Mick, what happened 2 weeks ago, when you brought thumbtacks into the arena, I don’t know if I can support that. I thought you said you’d left that part of yourself behind, that you didn’t want to be Mankind anymore!”
“That’s not Mankind. Mankind doesn’t use thumbtacks. There’s a lot of things Mankind won’t do. What happened in that match comes from a part of me I’ve kept inside for a long time.”
“So that guy in those video packages is right? Jesus, Mick, you could have told me. Didn’t I say I’d be here for you? Didn’t I say I could be the guy you could talk to when you need it?”
“You said that to Mankind. You said that to Dude Love. The guy I’m talking about… he doesn’t talk. At least not with words. His language is pain. And I hope to god he never has words with you, Vince.”
“Don’t worry, Mick, whatever–or whoever–you’re going through, I will understand. Trust me.”
“Aw, thanks, Vince. You’re a real pal.”
The two hug.
“Good luck on your match tonight, Mick.”

It’s time for the Tag Team #1 Contendership Finals: Heartbreakers vs Creature Feature. HBK and Goldust start off the match, HBK getting the advantage early on, but Goldust slips out of Michaels offense to tag in Undertaker. Undertaker manhandles HBK and eventually hits the chokeslam, but Dude Love makes the save before the ref counts to three. Foley is tagged in and takes it to Undertaker. While Shawn Michaels recovers on the outside, Sid runs out and beats down HBK. Goldust sensing an opportunity knocks out the ref with the urn. Sid gets into the ring and Sycho Bombs Foley. Undertaker then Tombstones Foley while Goldust tries to revive the referee. Ref makes the count and Creature Feature is going to compete for the tag titles next week on Raw.
Sid takes a mic and starts cutting a promo. “YOU MAY THINK YOU’RE TWICE THE MAN I AM, HEARTBREAKERS, BUT HALF MY BRAIN MAKES TWO OF YOURS, AND TWICE THAT HALF IN THE HAND MAKES TWO IN THE BUSH–AMBUSH! KING KRANKY KONG AND I AMBUSHED YOU BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU’RE GONNA JUST TAKE THAT TAG TEAM GOLD, BUT THAT GOLD BELONGS TO US–OR IT WOULD HAVE IF YOU HADN’T PINNED KING-KING BUD BUNDY! NOW GOLDUST HAS A ONE IN 6 CHANCE-no wait, he’s got a partner. What does that make it? If in a normal 3-way he’d have a 33 percent chance, but the Undertaker’s a supernatural freak, uh, carry the three, divide byyyyyyyy-NEVERMIND THAT, GOLDUST HAS WHATEVER PERCENT CHANCE AFTER YOU MADE OURS DRASTIC GO DOWN AND NOW WE MADE YOURS DRASTIC GO DOWN SO HA! THAT MAKES REVENGE, BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT WE WANT, WE WANT REVENGE TIMES TWO, CAUSE EVEN THOUGH TWO WRONGS DON’T MAKE A RIGHT, TWO OF US MAKE 4 OF YOU WHEN WE RIP YOU IN HALF AT THE BATTLE RUMBLE VIEW-FER-VIEW! SO SUCK ON THAT SHIT!” Ted DiBiase, obviously tired of listening to Sid, takes the mic – thank god, Sid was really bad tonight. “Yes, thank you, Sid, that was very enlightening. What my big friend failed to make clear is that since you took an opportunity away from Money Inc., we want to take an opportunity away from you. At the Royal Rumble, Money Inc. wants you two in a tag team match, and only the winning team can enter the Rumble. Is that clear?”
“You’re on, DiBiase, and Sid can shout all the math he wants at us, because the equation that matters here is HBK+Foley=SWEET OBLIVION!”

Brian Pillman vs Rick Martel. Throughout the match, Pillman taunted Martel about how he won’t even get a chance at the Pan-Am title any time soon. Austin came out and gave Martel the double bird, distracting Martel before Pillman hit the Air Pillman for 3.

Backstage, Bret Hart is preparing for his match when Stan Hansen and Mark Henry approach him. Hansen speaks first.
“Bret, I know your brother’s facing Vader at the Rumble. Now Vader’s tough, and he’s got Cornette wi-”
“I know he’s tough, and I know he’s got Cornette. I spent 2 matches in a row learning just how tough he is, and just what Cornette does. Now are you going to stand here telling me what I already know, or are you going to leave me be?”
“I want to help you, Bret. I know Vader. I’ve fought Vader, and I know he still fears me. I popped out his eye in Japan, and he’s still sore about that. As long as he has the title or a chance of winning the title back, I know he’s going to try to take me out in the Rumble whether he has the title or not. And I know Cornette’s going to use his goons to try to beat Owen like he used them to beat you. So let me help. Let me even those odds. I help take out Cornette’s cronies, and make this a fair fight.”
“Let me guess, you’re going to ask for something.”
“I want Vader. Whether he has the title or not, I want to bring Vader down to size. If that means winning the Rumble, I’m going to win the Rumble. So if I help even the odds in that title fight, and your little brother loses, I want a title shot.”
“And if he wins?”
“Then Vader’s going to want me. And I want that.”
“So let’s get to the 64 thousand Canadian dollar question: how do I know I can trust you? How do I know you can get the job done?”
Henry steps forward.
“I’m vouchin’ for him. I’m puttin’ my honor as a Dungeon graduate all on this. I promise you that the Unsinkable Battleship will get the job done. You dig?”
“I dig, Mark.”
Bret and Hansen shake hands, and the Texas Rangers leave. Everyone was bad in this and the whole promo was awkward, but the crowd was super hot for it.

Camp Cornette (Vader, Bulldog, Skunk) w/ Cornette vs Bret, Owen and Jericho. Owen and Vader brawl to the back, Skunk hits the Skunk spray on Bret allowing Bulldog to hit the running powerslam on Bret for the win.
As Cornette celebrates with Bulldog and Skunk in the ring, the cameras follow Vader and Owen backstage. They continue to brawl, grabbing any object they can get their hands on to batter each other. It ends when Owen climbs on some equipment and tries a flying crossbody on Vader, who catches him and powerbombs him. Raw goes off the air as Vader roars triumphantly over Owen writhing on the ground in pain. Owen and Vader looked great.

Show had some real highs and some real real lows COUGHHOROWITZCOUGH. B- as seems to be the trend.

 

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