Elseworlds: 1996 WWF: Christmas Raw

Not a hoax, not a dream, but definitely an imaginary story.

FoleyFanatic Usenet report posted:

Oh holy night, I just got back from the Christmas Raw and it was a DOOZY!

To start off, Jimmy Hart and the LoV are backstage opening presents, with Jimmy wearing a red airbrushed jacked with white fur trim. Shamrock reacts in confusion when he realizes Hart has gotten them Christmas-themed entrance robes. He accepts graciously, but is obviously not impressed.

Legion Of Violence vs The New Age Outlaws, Shamrock submits Ford. Lou Albano came down to ringside with the NAO, and Ford obviously wasn’t pleased, as he brushed off all Albano’s encouragement. LoV, however, used Jimmy Hart’s advice to the fullest, taking advantage of every opportunity he pointed out, until Shamrock was able to catch Ford in the vaunted Ankle Lock. Shamrock looked good out there, a real shooter.

Backstage, the New Age Outlaws are in a sour mood after losing their match. Lou Albano is with them, having escorted them to ringside. “Well, whaddya say? We might not have done too well tonight, but if you stick with me, our luck’s gonna change, lickety split!” Ford just walks off, irritated, but Bradshaw stays behind, and we can see the two chatting as the camera cuts to the next segment.

Jake Roberts vs. Dave Taylor, Roberts goes over. It was obvious that Roberts detested every atom in Taylor’s body, as he mocked Taylor and his bear while grinding the Real Man’s Man down with headlocks. Eventually Taylor was able to mount a comeback, but Jake reversed a hammerlock into a front headlock and hit the DDT for 3.

After his match, Jake grabs Taylor by the hair, jerks his head up, and with a tone of pure disdain says “I used to respect you. Merry Christmas.” Jake then slams Taylor’s head onto the mat.

Backstage, we saw Vince talk to Dude Love, show him the lyrics ICP were going to sing, and ask for his help. Dude Love, enraged, agreed, and said he needed to slip into something more comfortable. Oh man, Foley has been my favorite dude for years, and I just knew he was gonna come to Christmas’ aid! Get those fuckin’ clowns, Foley!

The first gimmick match of the night was “Rowdy” Roddy Piper vs Hunter Hearst Helmsley… in a Miracle on 34th Street Fight! When it starts, HHH immediately runs away, only to be confronted by Chris Jericho and Jushin “Thunder” Liger, forcing him to stay in. Piper clatters Trips with a glass plate, and attempts to trip the Blueblood onto the shards. However, HHH picks Piper’s leg with a fork, and performs a modified ankle lock to tire him out. Piper escapes, hobbling on one leg, looking for a weapon to use. From the ceiling dropped a bunch of presents into the ring, alerting both Triple H and Piper. On the way back, HHH continued his kitchen onslaught, throwing spoons and butter knives, before resorting to rolling pins and frying pans. Piper ducks most of them as the two stop for a moment and open some Christmas presents. First, Triple H opens his box and finds a framed WWF branded 8 by 10 of Razor Ramon, which he smashes over Roddy’s head.

1…2, Piper kicks out, before rolling away and opening his present… which is a signed picture of Allen Neal Jones, Class of 1996, holding a WWF Magazine Rookie Award! Confused on what to do with it, Piper shoves it in Hunter’s face and kicks him in the balls! While down, Piper stares at the picture, and performs a strange move sorta like a pedigree, but he kind of hooked the legs too? It’s hard to explain. Looked weird, clashed with Roddy’s normal style.

1…, HHH kicked out and smashed Piper over the head with a ornament. Kept doing it until Piper found a fire extinguisher and blinded Triple H. Piper found some tinsel soon after, and used it to strengthen his sleeper hold. HHH tried to get out of it, but had no choice but to submit.

Backstage, Bret Hart is in a Santa hat, looking sullen. Owen walks up to him, and hands him a present. When Bret opens it, the present is empty. “Owen, is this another one of your little jokes? I’m not in the mood for that crap right now.” Owen: “No, Bret, I’m giving you the best present of all. Spending the holidays with family who love you.” With that, he summons the rest of the Hart family into the room, and they all sing a christmas carol together. Owen was dynamite, but Bret was a little short of words.

Twas The Fight Before Christmas IC Title Fearsome Foursome: Steve Austin (c) vs Chris Jericho vs Jerry Lynn vs Rick Martel. Jericho and Austin are constantly targetting each other and at the end of the match are too busy brawling outside the ring to notice Bradshaw running in to the aid of Lynn, and HHH and Pillman running in to help Austin. All of the other three combantants attack Jericho with the three illegal men, causing a disqualification. Jericho was trying something new here, more of a flashy rock star steez, and I liked it. Despite being a big clusterfuck, this was actually kind of fun.

Vince McMahon angrily storms out. “Goddammit! I already have my hands full with the ICP tonight! I have had enough of your chicanery, Austin! I’m stripping you of your Intercontinental belt right now!”
As security files out to take the belt from Austin, he grabs a microphone. “You stupid son-of-a-bitch! If I can’t have this then no one will!” He runs through the crowd as the cameramen and security try to follow. They get glimpses of Austin running around the arena and eventually him running up to a trash disposal chute and him dumping the belt in it just before the security tackle him to the ground.

Tag Team #1 Contendership Round 1: HOES vs. Camp Cornette, Bulldog pins Godwinn. It was a back and forth match until Godfather set Skunk up for the Bro Train, and Skunk blasted him with the Skunk Spray before Bulldog tagged in and hit the running powerslam for 3.

DiBiase’s guys are backstage opening presents. Sid and Bundy have moderately sized present boxes, Corino’s present box is tiny while Taz’s present box is nearly as big as he is. Sid opens his to find a bunch of safety scissors and thanks DiBiase because he kept getting hurt using normal scissors. Bundy opens his gift and it’s a vintage King Kong Bundy WWF Wrestlemania 2 playset. KKB gives Ted a big ol’ hug. Taz opens his huge gift and then looks completely confused. “There’s nothing in it, boss.” “Exactly. You haven’t been pulling your weight around here lately and your gift reflects your effort.” Corino opens his miniscule box and finds a set of keys inside. When he asks DiBiase what the keys belong to, he has his cronies follow him into the parking lot where there’s a golden ’96 Aston Martin V8. Corino is overwhelmed while Taz is completely livid and looks like he’s about to blow up but the cameras cut elsewhere before we see anything come of it.

The next match was a rare WWF Title Match! It’s the WWF Champion Vader against well-renowned Scotty Bollea, all dressed in his red and yellow. When the match started, Scotty started posing around, showing off his non-existent muscles while Vader stands in boredom. Bollea finally throws some punches, but Vader no-sells it and starts to yawn. Trying to topple the mastodon, Scotty attacks the knee of Vader, and Vader just kicks him down. But wait! Scotty is not done and is Scottying up! He strikes one blow! And two! And three! Bollea goes for the small package… and Vader kicks out at .5 before trashing him with the Vaderbomb. One springboard Vadersault later, and Vader retains his title.

After his match, Scotty Bollea throws a fit. “IT’S NOT FAIR, IT’S NOT FAIR, IT’S NOT FAAAAAIR! I’M THE ONLY WRESTLER WORTH A DAMN IN THIS GODDAMN COMPANY! YOU’D ALL BE IN PUERTO RICO WRESTLING LIGHT TUBE MATCHES FOR 10 BUCKS A MATCH IF IT WEREN’T FOR EVERYTHING I’VE DONE FOR THE WWF, NEIGHBOR!” Bollea proceeds to scream and pound the mat until he has to be carried away by security personnel. I guess he’s a bad guy now instead of just… shitty, and it went alright.

Then Vince McMahon came out for his Holiday Hardcore match against the ICP, clutching a bat wrapped in Christmas tree lights. He then called to the back for his tag team partner for tonight–SANTA CLAUS! Mick Foley walked out from the back in full St. Nick regalia, passing out WWF action figures to the kids in the crowd(I think one even got a copy of WWF In Your House) before walking to the ring and pulling a wrapped box out of his sack.

Then ICP came out, and oooooh brother. They started singing what I assume is the song they ran by Vince, but they didn’t get too far past the part where they told Santa Claus to suck their balls before Vince and Foley ran up the ramp and assaulted them. I’m glad Vince’s bat wasn’t plugged in, because he got some major league swings in on Shaggy, and I’m sure I saw some of the bulbs break. Foley still had his box, but decided not to open it yet (must have been waiting for Christmas morning), in favor of some good strikes to Violent J. Foley had J staggered and tried to set up for the Double Arm DDT, but only got one arm hooked before J let off a haymaker to the babymaker and sent Foley reeling. While Foley tried to stagger back to the ring, clutching his sack, Violent J picked up the wrapped box, and shook it a little to try to figure out what was in it, before Vince clobbered him with the bat and went for a cover.

1…2, Shaggy breaks the pin, and as Foley suffers on the ramp, having collapsed by now, J and Shaggy work over Vince, trash talking him while preparing to choke him with the lights. As they’re picking him up for the choking, Foley makes his way to his sack of presents, and pulls out a Nerf revolver! He aims at Shaggy, and pulls the trigger.

The dart lands maybe halfway up the ramp, and so do the rest of the darts Foley fires in quick succession while Shaggy and J laugh. J starts to choke Vince out while Shaggy walks to Foley, who is just now getting to his feet. Shaggy gets a few punches in on Foley before Foley cracks the Nerf gun across Shaggy’s head, dropping him to the floor. Violent J notices that his partner has been floored, and runs to his aid, dropping the lights. As Violent J runs down the ramp, Foley looks through the sack, pulling out a stop sign just as Violent J reaches Shaggy. Violent J stops for a second, before trying to sock Foley. Foley uses the stop sign as a shield, and as Violent J sells his hand, Foley runs to Vince, who is crawling down the ramp coughing. Foley helps Vince to his feet as Shaggy and Violent J rummage through Foley’s sack, eventually pulling out some WWF action figures. They get distracted playing with the action figures as Vince and Foley get a table out from under the ring and set it up. Vince stands behind the table, and gets the ICP’s attention with a whistle, before flipping the double birds at them. They run at Vince, but Foley trips them from under the ring, and they land on the table, but not hard enough to break it. Foley gets onto the apron, and delivers a running elbow drop off the apron, putting J and Shaggy 2 Dope through the table! Foley covers.

1…2…2.9, as they both get an elbow up. Foley staggers to his feet, and signals for the wrapped box. Vince opens it, and reacts in horror! Foley grabs the box, and dumps it on the floor. The box is filled with thumbtacks, and after the final one has fallen to the padding around the ring, Foley signals Vince to pick up Violent J. The two then execute a two-man powerbomb, planting J in the thumbtacks. Foley tells Vince to drag Shaggy along as he takes a wreath from the specially-decorated barricades. Foley puts the wreath on the floor, and piledrives Shaggy right onto it. Foley makes the cover, Vince counting along with every count, hoping heart and soul it ends here.

1…2…3. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town by The Crystals plays on the PA as Foley gets to his feet, and with Vince’s help, walks to the back, handing toys to the children in the crowd as he does so. Right as they’re about to walk through the curtain to the back, Foley pulls a mic out of the sack, turns it on, and turns to the crowd.

“YOU BETTER NOT SHOUT! YOU BETTER NOT CRY! YOU BETTER WATCH OUT! I’M TELLIN’ YOU WHY! SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN, AND HE’S GOT SOMETHING WORSE THAN COAL! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!” I might just be a big dumb Foley mark, but he looked amazing here, and ICP have some great chemistry. Well, good, since they’re bandmates and all.

After that match, the camera cuts to a helicopter flying over the arena, piloted by Captain Lou Albano and Justin “Hawk” Bradshaw. It settles over a giant garbage pile miles away from the arena. Suddenly, Jerry Lynn pops up from the rubbish, yielding the Intercontinential Title! Albano and Bradshaw hoot and holler as they lower the ladder, allowing Lynn to climb up safely. The three share a drink of eggnog and fly away.

Tag Team #1 Contendership Round 1: Creature Feature vs. American Pride, Goldust pins Tatanka. Tatanka(BUFFALO!) held his own against Goldust for a while, but a bit of double-teaming left him weakened, and when he tried to tag in Prichard, Jake Roberts was distracting Prichard, giving Goldust the opportunity to reel him back in and hit the Director’s Cut for 3.

Post-match promo. “In preparation for next week’s Slammies, where I will no doubt sweep the awards, I would like to accept this victory, and thank everyone who has helped me get here. There’s The Undertaker, of course. There’s also me. I would like to thank myself for all the practice I put in, the minutes of slaving effort and dedication. Thank me, thank me!”

Heartbreakers pretape: They talk about how they both will do their best to work together to win the Royal Rumble, but if it comes down to the two of them, friendship goes out the window, and it’s every man for himself.

Bret and Owen Hart/Sid and KKB, Owen submits KKB. This one was a bit by the numbers, and a little short for a main event, but Bret and Owen looked pretty good, shellacking Sid and KKB pillar to post before Owen and Bret got KKB and Sid in stereo Sharpshooters, with legal man Owen submitting KKB for the win.

An enraged Sid tries to stab Bret with his new pair of safety scissors but Santa Foley makes the save by pulling out a steel chair out of his bag of goodies and whalloping Sid over the head with it. Foley and the Harts wish everyone a Merry Christmas as Raw comes to a close. Nobody really marked for Sid’s scissor attack, but it was a fun little feel-good closer.

A subpar main dragged down an otherwise solid show, including a surprisingly good ICP match, making this a C+ Raw.