Earth X: Too Many Stories, Too Little …. Quality

Eyes are an important motif.
Eyes are an important motif.

So the point of Planet X is that the the Earth and all of the superheroes are there for a reason and that is why the Earth has gone to shit, because it was supposed to. Everything is more or less preordained and everything is part of something bigger and yet smaller and everything in the Marvel universe has a reason. And my god does the book suck. Planet X spoilers below.

So the premise is Aaron Stack, Machine Man, before his cool reboot and then deboot, got summoned by the Black Monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey. from the comic Kirby did to tie into the series. And I guess it turned out that The Watcher who is now blind needs a new Watcher. It raises a lot of questions beyond the Watcher being perfect (spoilers: double mutated Black Bolt blinded him). But if there are thousands of Watchers, why don’t they get a new one? So anyway, The Watcher summons Aaron to the planet, turns him into a more robot looking guy and Aaron is all like “I wanted to be more human.” And The Watcher is just a giant asshole because he’s like “No you need to delete your emotions to be the Watcher so you won’t have opinions because then you can’t watch.” Which is in itself an opinion.

AARON, OH AARON, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH YOU?
AARON, OH AARON, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH YOU?

So somewhere during all this fuckery with getting Aaron to the Moon, 20 years passed and the Earth fell to shit. The entire Earth mutated – more on this later. A kid going by the name Skull (he wear’s Punisher’s shirt – but the skull is red)  who can control people. He’s got his posse and he’s trying to take over America and then the world. Captain America is still old – and let me stop here.

Well that is only part of the reason for the stop.
Well that is only part of the reason for the stop.

This is supposed to be the Marvel version of Kingdom Come. They had Alex Ross come up with the ideas and everything for a Wizard Magazine pitch. The ideas are solid. The ideas seem cool. They seem like something really interested.  But the issue is they lacked cohesion and importance and soul. Mark Waid and his love of the DC Universe made Kingdom Come work. He gave the characters voices, he directed traffic coming from Alex Ross but without Ross doing interior art and with another artist writing it fell flat and just bloated out. Anyway back to Captain America.

It isn't that bad Daredevil II.
It isn’t that bad Daredevil II.

So Captain America teamed up with Wyatt Wingfoot (who mutated so now he’s got wings – but not on his feet) and they are fighting Hydra (which is now a brain controlling squid (which is actually made by Norman Osborn (who turned into an actual green goblin (who is now the President)))) and Wyatt is all like “I don’t wanna fight you Jenn, I love you,” and Cap who is now literally draped in the flag like a toga with an A carved into his forehead (violating the flag code there soldier) is like No! and then the Iron Avengers come in and save them. Because the normal Avengers disbanded or broke up. So Tony Stark who is now a recluse is buried deep in a building letting Vision lead this team of robot Avengers who have the apparent memories of the actual Avengers.

Screen shot 2013-07-28 at 8.25.28 PM

And it is like ok. Iron Avengers seem interesting. Tony totally distancing himself from the people he wants to protect – this could be interesting – but then later they just get killed by the Skull’s army – except the Vision. So nothing comes from them.

So onto the mutation. Reed Richards fucked up. Except he didn’t. He wanted to end the energy crisis so he made giant vibranium beacons around the world to transport matter. Except he thinks they went bad and mutated everyone into mutants. Also all of the psychics died. Pretty much all – the Leader is crazy. And then it turns out he did when he goes on a long journey – but he turned into Doctor Doom. The real Doom died and Richards wanted to use the castle after. And yo, so Namor got angry about people raiding the sea so he’d teamed up with Doom to attack the UN. The Fantastic Four come in and stop them except

Sue is dies chasing Doom and Namor killed Johnny Storm so Franklin made it so Namor was always half burning. And this causes issues with Namor because you find out he’s crazy because if he gets too much or two little oxygen, he goes crazy. Ignore the fact that now if he goes to the surface he gets less oxygen because it is all getting consumed by the flames.

This was a pretty cool and ridiculous moment.
This was a pretty cool and ridiculous moment.

So Namor is all pissed because people aren’t respecting Atlantis and he won’t let people fish and then Skull just mind controls him and that ends that. Literally right there Namor’s story ends. Woop there he goes.

And Skull is taking over everyone and he tries to take over a circus and the freaks get away as does the new Daredevil who can’t die. The freaks team up with Mr. S (Scott Summers) and become the new X-men since the old ones disbanded – and I need to take another break here.

Screen shot 2013-07-28 at 8.37.15 PM

The book has just so much crap it feels like it needs to fit into these 12 issues, crap isn’t the right term I am being petty. The book has so many ideas that it wants to fit in everywhere the book is bloated – even before you get to the text sections at the end of every chapter. You have to deal with more of Aaron and Uatu the Watcher talking. The Watcher is like “tell me about Iceman” and Aaron is like “bitch built a giant kickass ice town in the north pole and can’t go south anymore” and Uatu is like “things cannot be bitching, they only are. delete your personality.” And then Aaron pretends to delete his personality and tries to be unemotional and then he asks a question on accident and Uatu is like “Oh shit, you can’t ask questions!” and Aaron is like “I can and also you were dumb and gave me all of your files lololol now I can save the world you dick!”

Nope!
Nope!

But that is relevant to the story. What doesn’t really matter is stuff like Thor turning into a woman. Because Loki tells Odin that Thor needs humility. So literally Thor just becomes and girl and has no development arc. He’s just a woman. Daredevil is doing stuff try and get killed but he can’t die. He’s like “Cap I gotta team up with you,” and Cap who just lost Wyatt to the Skull is like “I can’t lose another partner” and Daredevil is like “Then I guess it is good that I can’t die.”

Part of the theory is Daredevil is Deadpool.
Part of the theory is Daredevil is Deadpool.

Oh right, and the Inhumans are back from space. And the Inhumans are all like – “fuck, we mutated more and Earth mutated more and it was probably terrigen mists and not what you did Reed Richards and also our daughter has to marry her brother who is somewhere on Earth”. And Reed is like “Well I guess if I find the other Inhumans I can find a cure and fix everyone.” Except that it doesn’t really work out (BLACK BOLT DID IT BECAUSE HE SO LOVED THE WORLD HE TURNED EVERYONE INTO INHUMANS AND HE IS INFALLIBLE).

Screen shot 2013-07-28 at 8.26.15 PM

So meanwhile Nick Fury LMDs are trying to kill Skull and it isn’t working because they are robots and Skull has a big ol’ convoy heading to the New York City and once he gets there he takes over the Enforcers and just kills Green Goblin.

Screen shot 2013-07-28 at 8.32.52 PM

And then he mind controls May Parker, Peter and Mary Jane’s daughter who is merged with Venom but she controls it) and makes out with her. Peter is all fat now and he’s like “I didn’t have responsibility anymore since everyone had powers.” and he’s sort of bothered by the mind controlled making out and he joins up with Cap’s posse.

Weeeeelp
Weeeeelp

And Ben Grimm the Thing – he got to get with Alicia finally and had two boys – wait for it. The Brothers Grimm – both of whom are just like the Thing.

Screen shot 2013-07-28 at 8.31.55 PM

And Alicia has powers like her dad the Puppetmaster so she made a bunch of clay versions of the Avengers that cook (Captain America makes a really good apple pie). And this only matters for a scene when Reed needs to get his old notes from Ben and a scene at the end. I am just running through characters.

Cage ends up killing all of his police friends
Cage ends up killing all of his police friends

 

So The Hulk split into 11 year old Banner and giant Hulk and they have a Master Blaster deal going on where Banner is blind but can see through the Hulk and controls him.The two of them try to see if Stephen Strange can help but he’s in a coma, Clea is now Sorcerer Supreme so Bruce’s giant Hulk and Lady Thor go into the Realm of Death and find Stephen and he’s like “Clea got me into a coma and she’s boning an evil dude”. And Clea tries to trap them in but it doesn’t work because Lady Thor doesn’t put up with that shit so they come out and it turns out Clea was getting with Loki. Womp womp.

Screen shot 2013-07-28 at 8.30.56 PM

And I am going to take break to make dinner.

It isn't that bad Daredevil II.
It isn’t that bad Daredevil II.

—–

Back. I did like a faux-gyro with beef and onion and spices and a faux-tzatziki sauce with sour cream instead of Greek yogurt. Now for more Earth X.

Oh yeah, there is a fear guy named Spiders Man.
Oh yeah, there is a fear guy named Spiders Man.

So when we left Captain America was getting ready to fight Skull who had a big army of mind controlled people, Reed and the Inhumans were trying to cure everyone and Aaron was on the moon with Uatu the blind ex-Watcher.

So Uatu is kind of pissed that he got tricked by Aaron Stack the Machine Man so when John Jameson (the sometimes wolfman Stargod) shows up Aaron and John start talking and then Reed shows up and eventually they get to the big point. Earth is a big old egg.

Screen shot 2013-07-28 at 8.39.27 PM

Remember 2001 A Space Odyssey? Not the Kirby comic but the film and book and how at the end there is a giant space baby – that is supposed to be a Celestial apparently – the Earth is a big celestial egg and the vibranium transforms stuff so it will take care of the egg. Everyone turning into mutants are supposed to fall under the control of Skull and unify into a super race except the Kree fucked that up sort of royally by visiting the planet and so did the Skrulls. Skrull homeworld had a Celestial baby in it till Galactus came and killed the baby – because he is there to keep them in check. So Earth is an egg, Uatu has been lying to Aaron about him not being able to do anything and he’s serving the Celestials.

Back on Earth, the clay Avengers Alicia made attack and Skull is freaking out since he can’t control them and the Captain America one is attacking – and the shell breaks and it is actually Captain America and he kills Skull by snapping him neck. Everyone is freed and is happy and then the Celestials show up and people are like “this ain’t good” and Aaron and Reed are like “shit they’re gonna kill everyone to save the space baby in this planet!”

Also Cyclops had trained the carnies to be the new X-men a while back. Solely mentioning this for this image to break up text.
Also Cyclops had trained the carnies to be the new X-men a while back. Solely mentioning this for this image to break up text.

So if you don’t know Marvel history, the Celestials came three times in hosts. First they killed the dinosaurs and implanted genetic magic inside the humans so they could mutate and they made the Deviants to look after everyone. Deviants went bad so the second time the Celestials came back and killed them (sinking Atlantis) and add the Eternals to balance them. They left again and the Celestials and remaining Deviants did their own shit so man decided to make their own gods. Some traveling super evolved aliens powered by belief came around and were like – this is a solid deal and they became the gods. This is where Thor and Loki and Odin and all them came along. They are super evolved aliens given powers because the humans believe they have those powers. The Celestials were like “whateves, don’t mess stuff up.” Earth grew to what is was then when the Celestials came back to blow up everything.

Black Bolt being space Jesus is like ”                                               ” and tries to fight them before getting killed but he used his hyper evolved voice to call out for help.

SILENT SPACE JESUS NOOOO!
SILENT SPACE JESUS NOOOO!

Then Tony Stark, who left himself in a private room so the terrigen mists wouldn’t touch him is like “oh shit, I turned this city into a robot” like in Dr McNinja and then he gets knocked down.

Screen shot 2013-07-28 at 8.37.52 PM

The City Iron Man shoots Iron Manz as bullets.
The City Iron Man shoots Iron Manz as bullets.

Loki is on trial up in Asgard and he’s like “fuck it ain’t my fault that I was evil. their belief made me do it” and the gods are like “oh ok I guess that is cool” so they know they have to save the humans or die but the Celestials end up unthinking them more or less so they die.

Also Namor dies.
Also Namor dies.

And then Galactus comes but it isn’t Galactus (because Reed turned him into a sun) and it is actually Franklin being powered by belief because he’s like the Asgardians – they expected Galactus to come so Franklin became Galactus and Reed is like “ABORT THIS SPACE BABY GALACTUS”.

Screen shot 2013-07-28 at 8.41.21 PM

Franklin is like “Aren’t you my dad and also it is done!”

OPERATION SPACE BABY ABORTION COMPLETE
OPERATION SPACE BABY ABORTION COMPLETE

Back on the Moon Uatu tried to take over John Jameson turning him into Stargod to stop Aaron but it didn’t work so Aaron kills Uatu by unplugging him.

The crowd stands up and cheers.
The crowd stands up and cheers.

And then the world continues. Those giant terrigen transports get turned into torches – human torches – to burn away the mists so more people can have babies, Captain Marvel who was also a space Jesus becomes the baby of Adam Warlock and some other lady and everyone is like “let’s rebuild.” And also Black Bolt’s son turned out to be the Black Knight and he gets to get with his sister who turned into a butterfly. The end. Except there are two more sequels that I don’t want to read.

Lannister style space god incest!
Lannister style space god incest!

And the thing is there was some really cool ideas in the comic. It just wasn’t enjoyed. It was a long ass slog. It was a giant trek through more stories than what needed to be told. It was more tell than show. They gave almost every origin story for the character involved once per issue and really a lot of this went nowhere. This was like a Marvel event comic that actually needed 10 spinoffs because there were interesting ideas but really poor execution.

hahaaaa
hahaaaa

And I probably missed stuff. I may have gotten some things wrong but hell, I downed this series in about 6 hours and I wanted to write about it. Planet X is a cool looking puzzle with too many pieces that just loosely fit together.

Oh and Wolverine and Jean Gray got fat together but it was really Madelyn Pryor for some reason.

Yeeeep
Yeeeep

Colossus became Czar of Russia, Captain Britain became King of Britain and Sunfire became the Emperor of Japan – because fuck it, if you only have one person from each country they have to be the leader when everything goes to pot.

And also Storm and Black Panther ruled Wakanda with Beast and all the animals became humanimals.

And JJJ becomes a jackass man.
And JJJ becomes a jackass man.

The end. of Earth X.

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