DC Announces “Screw This, Comics Are Just For Kids Again”

In a shocking turn of events, Geoff Johns and Jim Lee announced they were turning away from material aimed more at adults to appeal to the children’s book market. Johns commented “Listen, we want to see books just for kids. I’m tired of all of this vitriol coming from adult readers. Boo hoo, you don’t like Starfire being slutty. Boo hoo Catwoman has sex. You know who wants to read these stories – kids.”
Johns announced that he’ll simply be adding a kid’s friendly sticker to all of the current NDCU52 books and just keep going as usual.
Other all ages comic creators like Paul Tobin and Roger Langridge expressed shock on Twitter. “While most books should be all ages, there needs to be an actual push for better all ages content,” commented Tobin. “If you want a kid’s book it isn’t about just advertising the book but it is about creating content that kid’s can read and share with their family. Also you need to secretly add in Cable every page but that is neither here nor there.”
Market analysts at DC predicted that this new move will cause a rapid loss in sales due to the fact that kid’s don’t have money.

Marvel, Bendis To Release “Avengers Disassembled” As 2013 Event

Marvel Comics released a statement today announcing that the intended crossover event for summer 2013 will be 2004’s Avengers Disassembled. Fans of the Avengers may remember “Disassembled” as the first story arc of Avengers writer Brian Michael Bendis.

“I felt as though everything was building to a breakup of the group, a complete teardown to build something new,” Bendis remarked in the release. “The fact that I had already done it before didn’t occur to me until recently, so f*ck it, let’s just release it again.”

Since the original publication, most of the characters and locations that were killed or destroyed in the series have been restored, so the book will be released as is with only an update to the publication date. The 2013 release will serve as the jumping on point for future Avengers stories.

“Many of our readers have expressed a fatigue with events, it said in Marvel’s statement. “So we figured that giving them something familiar will ease them back into it.”

Pak and Van Lente Announce Explosions, Informed of Cancellation Seconds After

Seconds after announcing their new title Explosions, comic creators Greg Pak and Fred Van Lente learned that their new series based solely around superhero fights leading to kick-ass explosions was cancelled.
“Well, this sucks,” commented both at the same time before Pak jinxed Van Lente who had to leave to get a Coke.
This continues the string of cancellations by Marvel previously commented on.

Morrison’s New Comic Promises To Confuse Readers, Deal With Sex, And A Bald Man

In a press release it was announced that the new Grant Morrison comic will confuse readers with mind bending ideas, the least of them being sex, and it would also have one bald character who may or may not represent Morrison in the role of a comic creator. The comic also promised to be drawn ahead of schedule though 4 issues in there would be a fill in artist and that issue would be considered the least popular of the series and that Morrison’s own interest would peter out by then.


In their usual restraint, comic book fans did not complain when early leaked photos from the set of the upcoming movie based on the Captain Anarchy series of books revealed minor changes from the original comic books.

In the Jake Lloyd directed cinematic adaptation of the popular series, Captain Anarchy’s normal disguise of a handlebar mustache drawn on with Sharpie has been replaced by paintball mask that covers his entire face. Also, femme fatale Eternia now wears pants and is not a nymphomaniac.

“All that matters is that we got a good actress who can put on an engaging performance, and be more than just eye candy and a token love interest,” says a satisfied Lloyd. “I mean, if I wanted to jack off, I can go to pregnantasians.ck, am I right?”

But how are news blogs reacting? “You know, I was a little shocked at first when I saw the changes, but some just translate better to the movie screen, you know?” said John Crocket of spoileverything.com. “Besides, I shouldn’t have been on set anyways. But sometimes these places got really good food and I stole like 80 danishes.”

Readers of spoileverything.com were just as level headed, leaving comments such as “I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt,”, “Could be good,” and “As long as the story’s compelling, it doesn’t matter.”

In the movie, Captain Anarchy fights his arch nemesis, The Armored Angel, whom Lloyd says “will dress like Satan and be balls deep in another man at all times”. Long time fans eager for the film’s release have called this move “clever”, “subversive” and “hot as shit”.

Kevin Church Discovered To Be Behind 40% Of Webcomics

Kevin Church
Kevin Church, Recently Discovered To Be The Most Prolific Webcomics Writer

Kevin Church the writer of such webcomics as The Rack, The Loneliest Astronauts and She Died In Terrebone was also discovered to ghostwrite over 100,000 series, most of them updating on the same day meaning that Church commonly writes over 14,000 comics every day. Researchers are still attempting to list all of them.
Church was unable to comment due to his house arrest for being voted Mr.Grumpypants for the past 4 years.

Brett Ratner Leaves Oscars Over Slur, X-Men: The Last Stand

The director of 85% of Chris Tucker’s movies has resigned from producing next year’s Oscar ceremony after the uproar over his use of a gay slur and X-Men: The Last Stand appearing on Netflix Watch Instant. “What am I looking at,” questions most who chose to view the movie, thinking it followed in the quality of X2: X-Men United. “Can I get a refund for these past two hours?”

Ratner also gave an interview with Howard Stern where he painted a raunchy, if unsurprising picture of Hollywood. The After The Sunset director released a statement to TheWrap where he stated, “…as painful as this may be for me, it would be worse if my association with the show were to be a distraction from the Academy and the high ideals it represents.” Adding, “I thought 5 years would be enough time for people to forget X3, but the internet has a long memory.”

When told of the situation, Hugh Jackman, star of X3 and one time Oscar host, said “Crikey, he rooted himself with that one. He really put his shrimp on the barbie with this one. Prob‘ly should’na mention shrimp. I‘m off ma face!”

4thWRLD’s Mother Box Finally Comes To Sprint


At a press conference in Metropolis today, Highfather, Fourth World ruler and stepfather of part-time Justice League member Orion, announced that he was bringing Mother Box technology to Sprint, the nation’s biggest 4G network. The futuristic handheld will be available in time for the holiday season and pre-sales are through the stratosphere.

For years, every gadget nerd with a blog hypothesized about an iPhone killer, a device so ahead of it’s time, it’d dethrone Apple from its perch at the top of the cell phone game. Tech developers scoured the world looking for the requisite inspiration to accomplish such a Sisyphean task. It turns out they were looking at the wrong one.

When Highfather finished a lengthy legal battle over the propriety rights to his world’s Mother Box with GBS president Morgan Edge, he made the technology available through his business front, 4THWRLD, forever changing the landscape of cellular devices, personal entertainment, and transportation.

“Waging a never ending war on the tyranny of Darkseid and all of Apokolips has been a taxing effort for our economy,” Highfather said in a recent interview with TIME magazine. “Rather than keeping this technology to ourselves, we decided to share it with you third worlders…for a price. ”

Previously only available on AT&T, Verizon and LexTel, the new Sprint Mother Box keeps all the features that made it the must have gadget of the last year. Though many of the hacking capabilities have been toned down after the recent congress hearings and issues with the NSA, the Mother Box still utilizes short distance teleportation through BOOMTUBES, perfect for nipping out to Wal-Mart or picking up the kids from school. The signature PING notification system has been updated with an all new library of personalized tones, including several created by hip hop star T-Pain.

“One more thing,” Highfather noted at the end of the press conference. “We figured out how to make it play Angry Birds.”

4THWRLD’s Mother Box, available on Sprint starting next Monday. Pricing starting as low as $999.99, with a seven year contract.

Gareth Black: Remembering A Comic/Magic Master Part 1

Legendary as the pits of Tartarus where hellish nightmares became the world of eternal torment was the Necropalace. Here the lord of the Necropalace sat surrounded by screams of the souls he had stolen from those whom had betrayed him, whom had lied to him and those whom had hurt him. Here in the heart of the void, an opening only accessible in the 6th minute of every 11th hour is the Necropalace, a temple built by a man with the powers to stare down death and laugh, marry death and then divorce after 15 years. It is now in 2011 that we are allowed entry due to the death of the Necropalace Lord, Gareth Black. Death, once a mistress, then a wife, then a memory became his final confidant and his pilot to the true abyss.
In the comics work Gareth Black’s work is remember among the other greats, Hergé, Moore, Morrison, Kirby, Mignola and others yet none were able to match his skill of art and writing. While Black’s work may lie forgotten like the great temple of Ozymandias, the King of the Comics stands the only force that preserved the art for the past 80 years. To the average comics fan though, this loss means nothing – the value of the work, the comics themselves turned into ephemera, vaporous memories recorded in only a handful of books.

The Early Days:

Black began his career as a stage magician in 1902 at the young age of 8 where he had thrilled the crowds of London’s lower east end by summoning dread beasts tamed only by his stare – those eyes that would soon burn into pen the dark ideas from his mind.
After a Faustian bargain on his 10th birthday though Black, born Gareth Ballycastle traded his heritage and hair for the ability to cast the greatest spells become immediately bearded and bestowed with the power of prose. Within hours had had won 5 writing championships and was able to live off of the earnings which was important as his former parents were sentenced to Hell.
The only guardian who stayed was his new uncle, Scratch, a highly intelligent flame red tomcat who was granted the ability to speak in a voice like crackling embers. The tom passed away on Gareth’s 18th birthday leaving Gareth with a small fortune of 13 dead mice, 18 birds and 666 pounds in a bank account.

As A Young Master:

5 days later Gareth published his first 200 page comic created in 3 days on in a 72 hour Power Fest wherein he had consumed the milk of a team of succubi and then had himself sequested in a padded cell with only paper and pencils. That first comic, “Krakatoa – The Mountain,” received near unanimous commendation and set forth the path that he followed for the next 10 years.
After the publication of his 5th book 4 weeks later, Gareth met with Death for the first time. The two saw each other as symbiotic beings and in the course of 8 hours, he created the new 20 page book “The Great Gatsby” which was adapted into a full length novel later by F. Scott Fitzgerald who ended up being allowed full credit for the writing.

Join Us Next Monday When We Continue Our Memorial Article On The Life Of This Comic Icon.

Marvel Cancels Everything Due To Ghosts

A ghost, possibly the type haunting Marvel offices???

In the past week a series of issues plaguing Marvel have caused the cancelation of two announced series and in a shocking turn today the entire Marvel line of entertainment ranging from comics to the lucrative films and even to unrelated merchandise has been cancelled and recalled by the Walt Disney Corporation, current owner of Marvel Entertainment.
When questioned for reasons, Marvel executives refused to answer though an unnamed source related “It’s the ghost of the Howlin’ Kirby back to wreck revenge!” This rumor was corroborated with evidence of ghostly glowing footprints and the howling wails heard in the building. The question is though – why do ghosts leave footprints.
More as this develops.