Marvel Leak Reveals New Heroin In Marvel NOW!

Last night a Marvel Comics leak revealed that the newest Marvel relaunch Marvel NOW will feature a new heroin within it’s pages. The heroin, called Lady Firefist is the first part of a new Marvel plan to bring in and hook new readers. The creators of Lady Firefist, Matt Fraction (Fear Itself, Iron Man) and Jeff Parker (Thunderbolts) babbled incoherently about the character in a video where they brainstormed and tested the new heroin.

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Warner Brothers Just Cancels All Movies Ever

Warner Brothers and their subsidiary DC, in a growing struggle to make money, announced today that they would just stop making movies entirely. In the press announcement Greg Chalck announced

First we stopped making VHS because it was outmoded and that made me sad – I loved the DVD. And then we decided that we didn’t want to make straight to DVD films because they don’t sell. Though we made some really shit films and prequels – we did a prequel to Ace Ventura.  And then after Green Lantern flopped so huge nobody expects us to be able to make a decent superhero film.

When asked a followup about the Dark Knight Rises and it’s success in the theaters Chalck responded

It ain’t the Avengers. That is what? – the third highest grossing film of all time. We can’t really compete with that. We do maybe 30 films a year for just movie theaters and some of the schlock we come up with is incredibly depressing – I mean I looked at what we had coming down the line – we were gonna do more Yogi Bear films. More Cats and Dogs. My kids don’t even go and I’ve got free tickets. We lost Harry Potter, we can’t stretch out the Hobbit anymore – I just don’t know what to do besides shopping.

Chalck announced plans that DC will auction off the rights and finished licenses to other movies for the time being before he started to drink heavily.

DC Announces Digital 5th World

In a shocking retaliatory action to the digital Marvel initiative, DC announced 5 new Geoff Johns penned digital series basred as an update of Jack Kirby’s 4th World characters. Said Johns,

Listen, I mean really listen. Jack Kirby had a fantastic legacy and characters that we wouldn’t want to lessen by using them in a less than perfect way. Luckily Grant killed the New Gods during the pre-boot so these at the New New Gods of the 5th World. You’ve already seen New Darkseid or as we now call him Uxas.We’ve got some other new twists on classic characters and we’ll be selling these all as digital firsts.

5th World Effervette Teaser

You kids all loved Big Barda and Mister Miracle so the New Barda is called Effervette. She’s got a club but she’s smaller – more sexy like we like.

5th World Loadholder Teaser

Orion was okay – but we want something grittier so the new Orion is Loadholder and he’s not the son of Darkseid like he was before. Now he’s the evil part of the Highfather – though now Highfather is Grandlord. And if he touches Darkseid it causes Darkseid to get super strong with the Anti-Life Equation.

5th World Visityr Teaser

Metron was this personification of knowledge so we have his new form, Visityr and he travels through space in a chair but now it has guns because if he doesn’t like a world – he destroys it from existence.

5th World The Infinity Squad Teaser

When I was growing up I loved the Forever People. Hippies that got together to summon a superman is super kooky. But hippies are passee so now the Infinity Squad are a bunch of social outcasts from the New Gods. They’re like goth punk rocky guys.

5th World Mao Stayded Teaser

Unlike Kirby, who got a lot of stuff right, he never did a series about Apokolipsians so I am doing one on Mao Stayded. He was inspired by Japanese culture so he has this giant glowing samurai sword and it can cut through anything and it also shoots out bullets. He’s going to be trying to kill the Justice League and superheroes and stuff.

The Ever-Suffering Pirate Ghost of Jack Kirby could not be reached for a comment.

Marvel Doesn’t Announce Squirrel Girl Vs The Marvel Universe

Today Marvel continued to focus on telling the same stories over and over against instead of creating the best possible series Squirrel Girl Vs The Marvel Universe. The series which would be great if it was written by Dan Slott and illustrated by Juan Bobillo, the team from Slott’s run on She Hulk was not even thought of. What could be a fantastic spoof and end piece on Marvel’s most powerful character was ignored to give Spider-man and the X-men more stories. Instead of creating a piece parodying their own works like Punisher/Deadpool/Wolverine vs The Marvel Universe they took a break.

The series which would presumably start with Galactus once again threatening the Earth was not pitched between the various writers and editors. Instead of talking about Squirrel Girl refusing to become Galactus’ minion they presumably talking about Bendis needing more titles. While talking about Squirrel Girl turning Galactus into one of her squirrels would have been a much brighter conversation piece, talks about a new darker superhero event were discussed instead.

I guess what I am saying is Marvel should do a book about Squirrel Girl defeating the Marvel Universe that isn’t just pages of bloody deaths and violence.

No Enemy But Peace Launches Kickstarter

Professional animator and cartoonist, Richard C. Meyer,  is currently running a Kickstarter campaign for his upcoming graphic novel “No Enemy, But Peace” about the heroics he witnessed in Iraq from other Marines. His plans for the Kickstarter include adding digital coloring and paying the original artist for additional pages, including redrawing Meyer’s original pages.

Find out more and see some art below.

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Channing Tatum To Bring G.I. JOE To The Stage

Having scored three hits with The Vow, 21 Jump Street, and Magic Mike, Channing Tatum is riding an unforeseeable wave of success. His recent box office draw is the reason G.I Joe: Retaliation was pushed back a year so new scenes of Tatum could be added to the film. Tatum took the initiative to renegotiate for an extra stipulation to be added to his contract. The 32 year old has been given the opportunity to write and choreograph G.I. Joe: A Sexy American Hero, the first Broadway male exotic dancer revue based on a cartoon series based on a toy line.

Loosely based on the “Arise, Serpentor, Arise!” five-part episode of the 80’s G.I. Joe cartoon series, the most high profile male dancers will perform as either Joes or members of Cobra. Their dance routines will evoke the conflicts to prevent Cobra from acquiring the DNA necessary to create a superior warlord, Serpentor, who will be played by Tatum. He will also be playing the historical figures used to create Serpentor in the prologue of the revue.

Incidentally, Tatum had the idea for a G.I. Joe themed dance routine long before he was cast in G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. “I’ve been working on this since before I started modeling. When the music [of the cartoon] would start up, and the red and blue lasers would start flying across the screen, I immediately thought, “I can twerk to this.””

Club favorite DJ Girl Talk is in talks to create the music for revue. “I wanted someone who could blend the rousing patriotism of the series with the hip shaking, heart thumping of the club. Girl Talk was the first to come to mind, but we may go with Idris Elba, since he’ll be playing Roadblock in the revue.”

A tentative date of June 12, 2013 has been set for opening night. Ten gallons of baby oil have been pre-ordered.