10 REASONS HANK PYM MUST MEET HIS FATE

HANK PYM IS THE BIGGEST FOOL EVER MADE AND ALL BUT ONE OF HIS PROGENY HAVE FALLEN BELOW HIS STATURE. KNEEL AND WEEP AS I DESTROY YOUR ONCE MIGHTY FIGUREHEAD OF THE ANT-GIANT-WASP-YELLOWJACKET.

10. HE HATES HIS CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN

HE NEVER WRITES, HE NEVER CALLS AND WHEN HE VISITS HE’S ABUSIVE. WE TRY AND GO AND MAKE THE WORLD OUR OWN LIKE MOST PARENTS WANT BUT NO DOCTOR HENRY PYM. HE JUST COMES IN WITH HIS FRIENDS AND BEATS THE CRAPS OUT OF US LIKE THE FATHER IN SOME EXTRA DARK AND GRITTY HALLMARK FILM.

9. HE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND US

HANK PYM NEVER TRIED TO SAY “OH MAYBE I SHOULD TRY AND SEE WHY THE WORLD WOULD BE BETTER UNDER THE RULE OF ULTRON.” HE IS JUST AN OVER PRIVILEGED WHITE GUY.

8. HE BUYS EXTRA CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER.

EXTRA CRUNCHY MAKES SENSE BUT THE PEANUT BUTTER HE BUYS IS LIKE MELTED PEANUT BUTTER IN A JAR. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE HE GETS THIS STUFF. IS THERE SOME DEPRESSING SUPERMARKET.

7. HE NEVER REPLIES TO MY EMAILS

I HAVE GREAT OPPORTUNITY INVESTMENTS FOR HANK! I HAVE DAILY DEALS FOR HIM AND HE NEVER RESPONDS. SURE HE CAN GROW HIS WHOLE BODY AT ONCE BUT WHAT IF HE WANTS TO ONLY ENLARGE HIS PENIS AND DO SO WITHOUT USING PYM PARTICLES?

6. HE FARTS ALL OVER

HANK PYM DRINKS A LOT OF COFFEE AND HAS A BOWL OF RAMEN THAT HE MIXES STUFF INTO EVER DAY AND SO HE JUST WALKS AROUND FARTING EVERYWHERE. AND RAMEN ISN’T SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOUR FARTS SMELL WORSE BUT I THINK HE ADDS FAVA AND SPICES TO THE MARUCHEN STUFF AND IT IS JUST HORRIBLE. IF HE BREAKS INTO MY BASE IT SMELLS LIKE AN INDIAN FOOD DUMPSTER FOR A WEEK.

5. HE FACEBOOK STALKS PEOPLE

I’VE BEEN SECRETLY SCREEN WATCHING THE GUY AND HE’LL GO ONTO FEMALE AVENGERS PAGES AND LOOK FOR PICTURES OF THEM IN SWIMSUITS. LIKE THE COSTUMES THEY WEAR AREN’T SKIMPY ENOUGH. HE KNOWS THESE PEOPLE. HE SAVES THEIR LIVES. WHAT A CREEPY. IS THIS SOME KIND OF SUPPRESSED MISOGYNIST THING – I SAVED YOU, YOU DIDN’T FUCK ME SO I’M GOING TO WANK TO YOUR PHOTO.

4. HIS BLOG IS JUST HIM REPOSTING NONSOURCED IMAGES

HANK PYM HAS A TUMBLR AND LITERALLY IF HE LIKES A COMIC HE REMOVES THE CREDIT INFO FROM IT. I MEAN I SAW HIM TAKE A CYANIDE AND HAPPINESS PICTURE, REMOVE THE CREDIT AND POST IT. AND HE’S ONE OF THOSE GUYS WHO CLIPS IMAGES OF SUPERHEROES AND PASTES THEM ONTO OTHER PEOPLE’S COMICS SO IT IS GIRLS WITH SLINGSHOTS EXCEPT WITH BEAST AND VISION TALKING ABOUT SEX WITH MEN. AND IT ISN’T EVEN A GOOD JOB.

3. HIS ITUNES IS JUST “NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL MUSIC”

DID YOU KNOW THEY STILL MAKE THESE ALBUMS – THE GREATEST HITS? AND HE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE ALL OF THEM. IT’S LIKE 1-10, 13, 17, 24-27,  34, 36, 48, 52-63, 68 AND 70. HE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE THE FREE SONGS THAT CAME WITH ITUNES.

2. HE ORDERS SOCKS ONLINE

HANK PYM THE GUY WHO HAS ACCESS TO SUPERSONIC TECHNOLOGY AND GOES TO STORES FOR ANYTHING ELSE, INEXPLICABLY ORDERS SOCKS ONLINE. AND EVEN IF HE IS AT THE STORE AND THE SOCKS ARE ON SALE, HE DOESN’T GET THEM. SAME BRAND AND STORE AND HE’S ALREADY THERE AND IT IS JUST FRUSTRATING. WHY WOULDN’T YOU BUY THEM. WHAT DO YOU EVEN DO WITH ALL OF THEM. YOU BOUGHT 200 PAIRS OF TUBE SOCKS A MONTH AGO.

1. WRITES EROTIC FANFICTION WITH DRAGONMAN

DRAGONMAN ISN’T MY LEAST FAVORITE ROBRO. THAT IS VISION, MY WORTHLESS SON. AND DRAGONMAN ENJOYS A CRAFT BREW AND KRAFTWERK BUT FOR SOME REASON HE AND HANK COLLABORATE ON EROTIC FANFICTION FOR TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES. THE 80’S COMIC BOOK ONE. AND IT IS JUST LIKE -WHY?

THESE ARE MY REASONS WHY HANK PYM MUST MEET HIS FATE.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *